I would like to introduce you to my family.

Here they are:

HUSBAND:

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NAME: J

AGE:  Older than Justin Bieber but younger than Sean Connery.

OCCUPATION: Professional Bass Guitarist.

LIKES: Collecting Action Man figures, Categorising his substantial DVD collection (chronologically), Any establishment that serves Peroni, Defying all instructions given by ANY satellite navigation device.

DISLIKES: Putting the toilet seat down, Replacing a toilet roll when the other has finished, Unloading the dishwasher,Technology of ANY kind, Dandelion and Burdock, Traffic jams, Being put 'On hold' by any major utility company, Listening to his wife.

INTERESTING FACTS: Jay can name ANY movie that won Best Picture from ANY year upon request. He can also listen the first 8 beats of ANY song and be able to tell you what it is.

He has played with more famous people than I've had hot dinners.

He makes a truly delicious Spaghetti Carbonara.

He has NO idea what Candy Crush is.

 

DEPENDANT NO. 1

NAME:  Stan

AGE: 5...and two thirds

OCCUPATION: Little man and possibly Einstein's reincarnation.

LIKES: ALL manners of the alphabet... including phonics, regular, forwards, backwards, Japanese, potato-shaped, magnetic, foam, sponge .

ALL numbers..up to six figures, The Highway Code, Haribo, Peppa Pig, Frequent indecent exposure, Dodecahedrons, Calculators and Bubbles.

DISLIKES: Broccolli, Eggs, Washing hands.

INTERESTING FACTS: He first rattled off the English alphabet backwards at the age of 3. 

He can recite the Spanish and Russian alphabet upon request.

He has memorised the code to our burglar alarm and has etched it on the fence outside the front door

He will remember your birth date, your car registration and your house number after meeting you just once.

A health visitor recently told me to contact Mensa to see about membership for him. Given that he recently pissed on a tree in public, I decided to hold off for now.

He has a girlfriend called Amelia. 

He is on level 33 of Candy Crush.

 

 

DEPENDANT NO.2

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NAME: Bob

AGE:   3 and a tiny bit.

OCCUPATION: Littlest man and semi-professional stuntman.

LIKES: Throwing himself out of high chairs, Chewing on errant live phone chargers, Running around naked, Mass destruction of any neat area, Public defecation, Graffiti with permanent markers, Bubble Guppies, Haribo, Ripping flowers out of flower beds, Food fights, Swings.

DISLIKES: Tidiness, Putting lids on pens, Holding a spoon, Broccoli, Sharing, Holding hands.

INTERESTING FACTS: He has a natural blonde afro.

His first words include 'Dada', 'Square', 'Diamond' and 'Asshole',

He has absorbed the same passion for the alphabet as his older brother and recites it continuously. He can also count to 52. 

He is thankfully NOT interested in Candy Crush. He prefers Connect 4.

 

ME:

NAME: Katy

AGE: Older than Katy Perry but younger than the Queen of England.

OCCUPATION: Wonderwoman and practicing wine connoisseur.

LIKES:  Salt and Vinegar Walkers Crisps, Will Ferrell, Sitting down, Taking my bra off after a long day and scratching under my armpits like an orangutan, Men in uniform,  Fillet steak and chips, 'Friends', Big Macs, ALL movies with HUGH JACKMAN.

DISLIKES: 5 am Wake-up calls, Excess mucus, Folding washing, Having to constantly put the toilet seat down and change the empty roll, Having to nag my man to unload the dishwasher, Killing anything on purpose (even spiders), The M25, Structure of ANY kind, Travelling with any airline with my cello, Dried apricots, Having to drink 3 litres of water a day, Public toilets, When people put photo's of their dinners on Facebook with the caption 'Nom, Nom', The Alphabet...it seems I have tired of it lately.

INTERESTING FACTS:

I didn't realise that my full name was 'Kathryn' until I was 10 years old. Duh!

I make a truly special lasagne and pretend that the bechamel cheese sauce is my own creation. It's not. It's that of Colman's.

I like to talk and once had a phone bill for £1423. 49. Vodafone do not welcome me as a customer anymore but it's okay as the folk at Barclaycard LOVE me.

My Dad plays the Scottish Bagpipes. My Mum looks EXACTLY like Judi Dench and often gets approached in the street by Judi fans.

I am no longer playing Candy Crush as it was ruining my marriage... but before I quit I was wrestling with level 78.