I called my sister last week for a chat. Her 6 year old son Frank was still awake despite it being past 9 o'clock. It had been an 'eventful day' my sister said and he was 'glued to the playstation' and just wouldn't go to bed.
She put him on the phone.
" Hello Aunty Katy", he mumbled.
"Hello Frank. Why aren't you in bed?! You've got to get up for school tomorrow!"
" Yeah, I know. But I'm not tired. I'm playing Minecraft."
" Oh right", I said 'So how's school?"
"Gud", he replied.
"Well, go on. Tell me, what have you been doing at school today?"
" I dunno. I don't remember."
" Come on Frank! You must remember something about what you did at school today?"
"Oh yeah. Yeah' he said distantly.'We had an erection at school"
"A what?... A WHAT??!!" I choked on my Pinot.
"An erection. We had a erection at school today"
I heard my sister's voice call out in the distance muffled by the clattering of crockery ,"An ELECTION, Frankie...an ELLLLLECTION!!".
"Yeah", he said. " ...An erection. And we all got to choose whose party we wanted to go to".
"Mmmm. Okay. So at this ellllection, whose party did you choose to go to?"
" I didn't know which one I wanted to go to, but I chose the Labour one in the end".
"Oh right!' my eyebrows pinged up ,' That's great. Labour, eh? But what other parties could you have chosen?", I enquired... impressed at his seemingly advanced political knowledge.
" We could've gone to the Labour's or the Libertal Democrap's or the Conservatories" he said, "And a party where there's lots of nuts."
" Lots of nuts?!", I replied baffled.
" Yeah", he said, " It was called U.N.U.T.S".
"Oh", I choked, wine shooting out my nostrils. " So why did you choose the Labour party then?"
" Because someone told me too." he replied nonchalantly.
"Oh right...ok. So why not the UNUTS party?"
" I don't like nuts. I like raisins".
"Oh you do?"
" Yeah. Mummy buys KP nuts...but I don't like them. I like raisins."
" Fair enough', I said. "So which party was the winner? Which one did everyone decide to go to?"
" The conservatories wan it", he said
"Oh they did. Why do you think they won it?"
"Cos all the garden toys are kept in the conservatories. And cos it was blue and all the boys like blue the best"
"Oh right...and the girls? What party did they want to go to?"
" They wanted to go to the Libertal Democraps' party"
" Oh really. Why's that then?", I asked.
"There wasn't a pink colour. So they liked yellow second best?"
"Oh, that's nice. Yellow is nice. I do like yellow".
"Yeah" he said. " But I don't. I like red. Iron Man is red"
" True Frank. He sure is," I agreed
"I gotta go now. I'm trying to kill the Ender Dragon"
He hung up the phone abruptly and I wiped the wine off my chin with my cardigan sleeve.
Now a week has passed and the votes have been counted, I can't help but think that the real life 'erection' wasn't all that different to the one that my nephew voted in at school
No parties seemed particularly 'up to it' if you ask me.
And in all honesty, I'm not a big fan of nuts either.