The REAL Fairy Tale Of New York

It's Christmas time. A time of love and joy, a time when we spread cheer, peace and good will to all around us.

It's also a time of magic. A time of story-telling....tales of Santa and his elves, reindeers with red noses and bells that jingle.

Well, there is one story that is never told. And I feel compelled to tell it tonight just three days before Christmas. Its a story that the world needs to hear.

It's the story of a girl...

.... just a small town girl. Livin' in a lonely world.
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere.

(Well, not was the city actually. She took the train into the big, bustling city)

She wanted to be a star you see. She had the talent. She had the passion and she had the drive.

So, she left her family behind and arrived with everything she owned in two tiny suitcases, ready to make her mark on the world

If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere, that's what people say

Unfortunately, things got off to a slow start.

It seemed that the city was full of budding actresses who had the same dream. Every casting call that she went to was rammed with girls who were in a better position that she was.

In truth, she was a nobody.

She hadn't been to stage school, others had. Her parents weren't famous, she had no connections and there were only so many roles that she was suitable for.

There aren't many parts for fairies in Hollywood after all.

Casting agents repeatedly told her that she was 'too short' and 'too glittery' and claimed that her wings would 'take up to much of the shot'.

After months of rejection, she had a brief moment of success when she got down to the final two for the part of Tinkerbell.

But she lost out.

Rumour had it that the fairy who got the part had been fiddling with the producer's magic wand off set.

It was hopeless. Her dreams were far from coming true.

Every penny of her life's savings was eventually swallowed up and she was forced to take a job pouring pints of glitter down at the local Leprechaun bar.

This was a particularly desperate move because leprechauns, if you aren't aware, are known for being lecherous jackasses.

Night after night, the filthy little leprauchans downed pints of glitter and became more and more unruly. They openly glared over the top of her corset and pulled on her wings.

On the worst days, when they had sunken too many shots of sparkles, their little furry hands would try and sneak up her tutu and she'd have to smack them away with her magic wand.

Once a tool for creating magic, her wand had now become a weapon for self defence in what had become a cruel and wholly unmagical world.

Then one day, when she was feeling particularly low, she spotted an advertisement in the window of the The Elves' Head:

It said:


Fairy for international job

Must be attractive, hard working and magical.

International fame GUARANTEED!!

She couldn't believe it!!  This was it! This was her chance! It wasn't a part in the film or a spot on Broadway, but this job was possibly her last opportunity to  make her mark on the world....she had to go for it!

She couldn't face returning back home to face her parents with her wings between her legs. She had to make them proud. 

So, she applied and if by some miracle, she got the job!

That day, she became known as THE TOOTH FAIRY

Her role: To travel the world far and wide collecting the teeth that had fallen from the gums of the world's children.

In exchange for their teeth, she was to leave a golden coin under their pillow. Once she had collected these teeth, she was to take them to her boss, the Fairy King, who would use them to rebuild his empire after the elves attacked and destroyed it back in the 1800s.

It was perfect! She grasped the opportunity with both hands and with her wand held high, she flew out into the world to make her mark.

Everyone would know who she was. International fame would be hers at last!!


And it worked.

Word of the Tooth Fairy's magic soon spread across the globe.

Children were dazzled by her powers! The moment they felt their teeth wobbling, a rush of excitement would envelop them. The Tooth Fairy was going to come and they were going to get a magical coin!!

Just the mention of her name would have children running to their beds where they would stay ALL night and eagerly await her arrival.

Parents across the world were particularly impressed with the Fairy's influence over their children and would spend these rare child-free nights knocking back gin with a straw whilst watching 'Game of Thrones' without interruption. The extent of her magical powers was mind-blowing!

The Tooth Fairy was admired. She was treasured by the young and old alike and thanks to her efforts, the Fairy King was able to rebuild his fallen empire.

But as the years went on, the Tooth Fairy came to realise that her job didn't reap the same rewards as other members of the magical kingdom. She started to notice that her fame was becoming increasingly short-lived compared to others around her.

One night, whilst she was having a small glass of glitter down at the Elves' Head after work, she overheard a conversation between Santa and his senior elf.

They were drinking the finest glitter and discussing the new deal that they had signed with Universal for 'The Miracle on 34th Street: The Sequel'. They were toasting their success, marvelling at the fact that they were going to star in yet another film.

Santa then bragged about his contract renewal with Coca-Cola, the new line of Thorntons chocolate Santas that were hitting the shops and the fact that Asda, Tescos and Sainsburys were now devoting aisle 3 of their stores to sell his merchandise from as early as the end of October.

That fat, lazy old bastard!

How could he be so successful when he only worked one day a year?!

How could he be on the lips and in the minds of children all across the globe for months on end for doing so little?

He didn't even make the toys. His elves did!!

And he didn't even deliver them...he just sat on a sleigh, clothed in designer thermals, knocking back brandy for one night a year whilst his elves dragged bags of presents down the chimneys

But, the tooth Fairy didn't feel bad for the elves. Even they had movies made about them.

what an asshole!!!

what an asshole!!!

It wasn't fair! Despite having single-handedly collected the 20 fallen teeth from under the pillows of 1.9 billion children, she had nothing to show for it.

Where were her movie contracts? Her advertising deals? Why were there no aisles devoted to her in Tescos?

Where were the songs telling of her magical powers?

Where were the mini ornaments of her hanging from trees and lit-up statues of her glowing on the lawns of the nation?

Why did she disappear so rapidly from the minds of the public- just like the winners of the X Factor who vanish into oblivion?

And it didn't stop there.

As she knocked back glass after glass of glitter, it occurred to her that the Easter Bunny, the chicks, the Grim Reaper and the vampires, the Devil and Guy Fawkes were all more celebrated than she is.

Chocolate eggs are eaten, parties held, fireworks exploded and movies and pantomimes are made all about these jackasses....and they didn't work nearly as hard as she did.

Why had the world forgotten all about her??

smug bastards!

smug bastards!

The truth hit her. Her story wasn't the fairytale she imagined it would be.

Far from it.

She was just a glorified courier with a magic wand....paid to hump and dump Haribo-stained bones across the globe.

And no one cared.

The stress and sadness of her plight eventually took its toll on the poor Tooth Fairy and she is now a mere shadow of her former self.

Broken, burnt out and demoralised, she seeks comfort in knocking back pints of glitter as a means to block out the sadness that gnaws away at her heart.

So, this Christmas, don't be over-dazzled by Santa and his global corporation. Please, just for once, think of the little people.

Think of the Fairy of New York and let's tell our kids about the tale of her fabulous magic. Let's get her back into the hearts and minds of our children and see if we can help her score a movie deal.

Because she really deserves it.