The REAL Fairy Tale Of New York

The REAL Fairy Tale Of New York

Santa then bragged about his contract renewal with Coca-Cola, the new line of Thorntons chocolate Santas that were hitting the shops and the fact that Asda, Tescos and Sainsburys were now devoting aisle 3 of their stores to sell his merchandise from as early as the end of October.

That fat, lazy old bastard!

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The 'Baby Cheeses' And Other Things That Confuse Kids At Christmas

The 'Baby Cheeses' And Other Things That Confuse Kids At Christmas

He knows that he has to be good. He knows that if he forces down the broccoli, the mysterious pensioner may well squeeze down our non-existent chimney on Christmas eve and deliver him a Play Doh set and an alphabet puzzle (I know, weird kid but that's what he wants).

It all makes perfect sense doesn't it?

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16 Things That Are Likely To Happen This Christmas.

16 Things That Are Likely To Happen This Christmas.

1. You will swear at inanimate objects. Sellotape will take the brunt of your frustrations. Next in line will be the wrapping paper.

Frankly, they have it coming. They are both assholes. 

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All I Want For Christmas

All I Want For Christmas

Everyone dreams of what they want for Christmas. Mariah Carey wanted a lush man to call her own (who doesn't?), Bing Cosby dreamt of having a 'White Christmas' (great if you don't have to board a tube or hit the M25) and Eartha Kitt wanted Santa to 'hurry down the chimney' with a yacht, a ring and the deeds to a platinum mine. Fair play Eartha, if you don't ask you don't get.

Well, I don't want a lot for Christmas,
There are just six things I need,
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

 

I just want:

1. MY 2009 VAGINA BACK. 

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The Nightmare Before Christmas.

The Nightmare Before Christmas.

I love Christmas. It is the season to be merry (mullered) and the season of goodwill towards all men (especially Hugh Jackman and all possible look-a- likes) and it's the time where one has great joy in giving gifts (and receiving...let's be honest, we all love a cracking present).

As much as I love the day itself, the build up is always a bit of a nightmare.

Here's what haunts me, the nightmares before Christmas:

PANTOMONIUM*.

*This is a cross between Pantomime and Pandemonium....Just in case it isn't clear.
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Jingle Balls.

Jingle Balls.

This post is a few days late as I have been juggling a lot of balls this week.Literally.

I have had balls flying at me from every angle and I have been knocking some out of the way with my metaphorical bat but sadly have tripped on others

Here's my list of Ball aches:

JINGLE BALLS.

We put the Christmas tree up on Sunday morning before I headed out to work

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