How To Maintain A Healthy Sex Life After Having Kids

How To Maintain A Healthy Sex Life After  Having Kids

Now, before I begin, I'd like to apologise to my parents who most definitely WILL read this post given that they are the number one fans of my blog.

But Mum, Dad, you have to understand that your grandkids weren't delivered here by storks gliding through the glorious Autumnal skies.

They are here because your little girl bumped uglies with your son-in-law.

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10 Careers ALL Parents Could Have

10 Careers ALL Parents Could Have

I am a musician by trade. And yes, before you ask,  it is a real job.

The job, as does most, comes with many highs and lows.

Highs include: Travelling to amazing places, playing at major venues, working alongside your friends, working with celebrities, playing on TV, having lots of days off, variety- as no two days are ever the same, plus sometimes- and it's not often, but sometimes you get free booze!!

Lows include: Airport check-ins at 5 am, erratic schedules, eating soggy boxed sandwiches from petrol stations for your dinner 3 nights in a row, spending a lot of time in your pants watching Jeremy Kyle waiting for a gig to come in, trouble getting car insurance, trouble getting mortgages (banks don't think it's a real job) and dealing with people on the tube who say 'Gawd, that's a big violin'. (The most original and over-stated observation that is always said to a woman carrying a cello)

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6 Reasons Why I WANT To Go To Prison!

6 Reasons Why I WANT To Go To Prison!

Every other evening at approximately 7.10pm, my neighbour stands by her window with one eye peering through her heavy velvet curtains. Her phone is in her hand. She has pressed 999 and her thumb hovers over the green 'call' button. But she hesitates. She just isn't sure.

The hysterical screaming always starts at 7.10pm or shortly after. It pierces through the air causing violent vibrations which shake her double- glazed windows and make her velvet curtains ripple. More disturbing is that the fact that it interrupts her daily dose of 'The One Show' and she is forced to hit the record button and watch it after the hysteria disperses.

'Stop Mummy! Sttoooopppppp....my eyes! My EYES!!!!!!!!!'

'Whatever is going on in there', she wonders. 'What is that woman doing to them??!'.

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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

It's 2.32 am. It's March. A mother and father sleep soundly in their King-sized bed. A mild aroma of guff hangs in the air.

'Awwww! Uh, huh, uh, huh, uh, huh!!! Uggggggghhhhh!'

Mum leaps out of bed onto all fours like a startled cat. Her ears prick up. She immediately detects the smell of guff.  She darts into the kids bedroom towards the source of the disruption to find Kid 1 sobbing with his arms sprawled out in the air waiting to be lifted up.

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And The Award Goes To....

And The Award Goes To....

Being a wife and a mother can be a totally thankless calling:

Cooking, cleaning, scraping shit off the laminate flooring, ordering groceries, wiping urine from the toilet seat, folding pants, enduring soft play, spending your beer money on Matchbox cars and iPad apps, feasting on Fishfingers and Smiley Faces for every meal, hiding vegetables in the chocolate cake, going to bed at midnight and getting up at 5 am, having to wear clothes that are always soiled in chocolate, snot, dribble or a combo of the three.

It's hard.

And other than the occasional bunch of flowers (usually with twenty percent off as they're already half dead), or a trip to Pizza Express on a Wednesday '241' coupon day, my husband rarely makes a gesture of thanks.

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