"We found five different traces of urine on the floor, on the walls and even a splash on your ceiling!"Read More
The Runner, by it's very nature, is considered to be the most ambitious of stools and refuses to set up camp in a super-absorbent, cotton wool prison with pictures of bunnies on it.
It will not be suppressed...it will rise- all the way to the top if given the opportunity to do so.Read More
I abandoned my children for five straight days and nights last week.
I didn't fly off to Jamaica to lie on a sunbed sucking up Pina Coladas with a straw whilst poisoning my pure brain cells reading about the latest x-rated shenanigans of Christian Grey and his leather whip.Read More
A top family barrister once told me that in her experience the main reason that couples get divorced is because:
A. The husband complains that his wife will not have sex with him
B. The wife feels that the husband doesn't listen to her.
Now, I'm not too worried about point A. I for one am definitely up for a bonk of an evening. If my husband and I were ever conscious for longer 30 minutes after putting (forcing) our young kids to bed, then I certainly wouldn't turn him away. He is a rather handsome man after all.
It was my birthday this week. Sigh.
This morning I glanced in the mirror and noticed yet another roll of skin had descended over the top of my Primark full briefs- the flimsy elastic had given up the fight and had surrendered and drowned under an avalanche of flab...a 'flabalanche' if you will. I also noticed that despite my son being three years old, I was still wearing my maternity leggings. Shameful I know.
I am a musician by trade. And yes, before you ask, it is a real job.
The job, as does most, comes with many highs and lows.
Highs include: Travelling to amazing places, playing at major venues, working alongside your friends, working with celebrities, playing on TV, having lots of days off, variety- as no two days are ever the same, plus sometimes- and it's not often, but sometimes you get free booze!!
Lows include: Airport check-ins at 5 am, erratic schedules, eating soggy boxed sandwiches from petrol stations for your dinner 3 nights in a row, spending a lot of time in your pants watching Jeremy Kyle waiting for a gig to come in, trouble getting car insurance, trouble getting mortgages (banks don't think it's a real job) and dealing with people on the tube who say 'Gawd, that's a big violin'. (The most original and over-stated observation that is always said to a woman carrying a cello)Read More