"We found five different traces of urine on the floor, on the walls and even a splash on your ceiling!"Read More
Santa then bragged about his contract renewal with Coca-Cola, the new line of Thorntons chocolate Santas that were hitting the shops and the fact that Asda, Tescos and Sainsburys were now devoting aisle 3 of their stores to sell his merchandise from as early as the end of October.
That fat, lazy old bastard!Read More
Who wants to be a minionaire?
Not me. But my son did, and now he is one: a self-made minionaire in fact.
My son has acquired such a massive fortune that he proudly calls himself a minionaire. He has minions of all shapes and sizes: fluffy, plastic, all-singing, all-dancing, light-up, edible, material and virtual.Read More
A top family barrister once told me that in her experience the main reason that couples get divorced is because:
A. The husband complains that his wife will not have sex with him
B. The wife feels that the husband doesn't listen to her.
Now, I'm not too worried about point A. I for one am definitely up for a bonk of an evening. If my husband and I were ever conscious for longer 30 minutes after putting (forcing) our young kids to bed, then I certainly wouldn't turn him away. He is a rather handsome man after all.
Every other evening at approximately 7.10pm, my neighbour stands by her window with one eye peering through her heavy velvet curtains. Her phone is in her hand. She has pressed 999 and her thumb hovers over the green 'call' button. But she hesitates. She just isn't sure.
The hysterical screaming always starts at 7.10pm or shortly after. It pierces through the air causing violent vibrations which shake her double- glazed windows and make her velvet curtains ripple. More disturbing is that the fact that it interrupts her daily dose of 'The One Show' and she is forced to hit the record button and watch it after the hysteria disperses.
'Stop Mummy! Sttoooopppppp....my eyes! My EYES!!!!!!!!!'
'Whatever is going on in there', she wonders. 'What is that woman doing to them??!'.Read More
It's 2.32 am. It's March. A mother and father sleep soundly in their King-sized bed. A mild aroma of guff hangs in the air.
'Awwww! Uh, huh, uh, huh, uh, huh!!! Uggggggghhhhh!'
Mum leaps out of bed onto all fours like a startled cat. Her ears prick up. She immediately detects the smell of guff. She darts into the kids bedroom towards the source of the disruption to find Kid 1 sobbing with his arms sprawled out in the air waiting to be lifted up.Read More