It's 2.32 am. It's March. A mother and father sleep soundly in their King-sized bed. A mild aroma of guff hangs in the air.
'Awwww! Uh, huh. Uh huh, uh huh, uh, huh!!! Uggggggghhhhh!'
Mum leaps out of bed onto all fours like a startled cat. Her ears prick up. She immediately detects the smell of guff. She darts into the kids bedroom towards the source of the disruption to find Kid 1 sobbing with his arms sprawled out in the air waiting to be lifted up.
'I'm having a scary dream', he sobs. Tears stream off his cheeks.
This happens every night. But Mum ain't no fool. She knows that her kid is talking nonsense and is just looking to upgrade to the superior luxury of her King-sized bed.
Not tonight. Oh no.
She grabs a lump of silicone and shoves it in his mouth. She feels momentarily guilty given that her kid is 5 YEARS OLD, but her thoughts of guilt are immediately extinguished when she contemplates tolerating getting kicked in the back for the remainder of the evening if she succombs to her son's desires.
Kid 1, as if by some miracle, accepts the dummy and rolls over back to sleep.
Mum tip- toes out of the bedroom. She can't help notice the stench of guff that has grown exceedingly stronger since her arrival in the room.
She creeps over and puts her hand under Kid 2's blanket and gently feels his nappy.She locates the source of the stench. Either a grapefruit has rolled it's way into his nappy or the kid has in fact defecated....
She tip-toes back out of the room. She can't face a gargantuan poo. Not tonight. She has to get up for work in 5 hours.
She climbs back into bed and lets the guilt seep into her tortured mind.
What if she lets the poo fester? What if Kid 2 ends up with a hideous nappy rash? What if she has to use a sand-blaster to scrape the damn thing off in the morning? What if he wakes up in an hour's time balling that a stinking grapefruit has invaded his pants and she is awoken again for the second time?? She has to get up for work in 4 hours and 58 minutes!
That did it.
She drags herself from bed. She gently lifts the kid with the steady hands of a bomb disposal specialist. She places him on the changing table.
His eyes open immediately.
She fumbles around in the black of night searching for wipes and nappies. She finds them. She braces herself, stands back and opens the bulging nappy to face her foe. .
The nappy....is EMPTY.
Just a wee. A measly wee.
Mum applies the new nappy and lifts Kid 2 back into bed. The minute his head hits the pillow, he starts to wail with the force of a rasping trombone. The sound escalates quickly. The shrill intensity of a rasping piccolo follows.
Mum grabs the kid and immediately upgrades him to the King-sized bed. She climbs in next to him and her head collapses on to the pillow.
'Ahhhhhh! Uh, huh, uh, huh, uh, huh!! Ahhhhhwwwww!!!'
Kid number 1 ain't no punk. He sensed his brother's triumph and he too wants a piece of the action. Why should he suffer spending the evening in a pokey toddler bed when he too can upgrade to the luxury of a King-Sized bed, with a memory-foam mattress and 100% cotton sheets from the Matalan Sale?
Mum grabs Kid 1 without hesitation and parks him down next to his brother.She has to get up for work in 4 hours and 53 minutes.
Dad wakes up. He needs a wee. With his eyes half closed, he staggers slowly towards the toilet rubbing his eyes as he goes.He returns to find that he has been demoted. No more King- Size bed for him. Mum has made up the bed settee in the spare room. In he climbs without objection and slips into a peaceful slumber.
Mum spends the next 4 hours and 49 minutes getting punched in the back, poked in the eye and having lumps of her hair wrenched from their sockets. By morning, she wakes to find a toddler head wedged in the small of her back. A giant human letter H has formed as kid 2 lies horizontally across the bed between her and Kid 1.
The smell of guff penetrates the air.
The grapefruit it seems, has arrived.
Dad pops his head around the door at 7.30am. He is fresh-faced and his smile is beaming wide like a cat that got the cream. 'Did you sleep well?' he chirps.
What a Jack ass.
Mum hands him Kid 2 to enjoy a warm fatherly embrace. He lifts his beautiful son off the King-sized and into his arms.
He immediately detects the grapefruit
He is forced to deal with it- such is the policy of the household. 'If you find a poo, you know what to do'.
His smile shrivels away to nothing.
Many a powerful lesson has been learnt by this family on this fine night in March.
The kids learnt: If at first you don't succeed, try again.
Dad learnt: Shit happens....deal with it.
And Mum, she learnt the most powerful lesson of all;
LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE....
..and kids. Let them lie too for crying out loud. What else is a sandblaster for?!
* This is a true story. Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved