I have had a challenging ( A.K.A 'Shit') week.
But 'Every cloud has a silver lining', they say.
I worked hard to find the lining...and I found it. In fact, I found a whole bunch of them...and some weren't just silver, they were platinum.
Here's what happened:
Cloud 1. Stan started school: It was heart wrenchingly devastating to leave my Alphabet- obsessed 4 year old with a room of full strangers for the rest of his life. The fear and uncertainty of what would happen to him was overpowering and I sobbed like a pregnant woman watching E.T on loop.
Silver lining: The Silver lining was that although I abandoned him and left him with 30 kids that he didn't know, this meant that I was now free to watch Homes Under the Hammer in peace. I was actually able to watch it to the end and see what the buyers had done to improve their properties and find out how much their former shit holes were now worth. Joy!
Furthermore, now that Stan is in school all day, I am also now able to drink a cup of hot tea (actually HOT) whilst in a seated position and I am finally able to defecate without an audience....for the first time in four years.
Cloud 2: Jay had a car crash: It sounds dramatic but it wasn't really. Some old fella crashed into Jay and ripped the whole bumper off our car. It was traumatic for Jay and even though no one was hurt, his confidence was knocked and his manhood chinked.
Silver lining: Trauma can often lead to sudden hair loss. Thankfully, Jay is already bald so there's a beauty of a silver lining. Also, we were given a LUSH posh courtesy car free of charge and our knackered old Peugeot was taken a way to get fixed. The mechanic said that he will fix the whole bumper for free...even though it was already broken to start with. BONUS!
Cloud 3: Tesco's ran out of delivery slots: This was a real problem as I had run out of nappies.... and booze....and pies. And I am too busy (lazy) to drive to the shops.
Silver lining: I was forced to go to my nearest supermarket in a hurry as Bob was due a poo and we were out of nappies. I ended up in LIDL, which I have now discovered is AMAZING! I bought some lush Bailey's substitute (which tastes like liquid cake in a glass) and have stocked up on jumbo bags of nuts, pretend Mars bars, salami and top quality pink, FLORAL toilet roll. The toilet roll was so superior in quality and attractiveness that it sparked a really profound conversation between Jay and I.
It was the best conversation that I have had with him all week.
I now feel closer to my husband as a result. So thanks Tesco's for letting me down. You have been replaced. You're toilet rolls just aren't as pretty.
Cloud 4: My kid has developed terrible twitching: Stan has developed a hideous twitch where he scrunches his face up into a ball every few seconds. His nostrils quadruple in size. This is obviously not ideal, particularly as he has just started school and is trying to befriend youngsters and not terrify them to their tiny cores by pulling scary faces at them.
Silver lining: This prompted me to do excessive research on the computer, thus improving my computing skills and medical knowledge. I diagnosed him with early onset Tourette's syndrome and the future was looking bleak.
However, there's more. Because of Cloud 1 ( Stan starting school) I gave him a haircut so he would look nice for his first day. Then, as if by some miracle, his awkward tic vanished.
Turns out that he doesn't have Tourettes. His fringe just needed a trim.
DOUBLE SILVER LININGS!
So, to sum up, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade...and then throw some vodka in it.
When life seems hard, drink a glass of fake Bailey's and wipe your ass on soft pink flowers. Thanks to LIDL, these are affordable luxuries that can help lift one's spirits.
And if the clouds keep forming and you can't see the silver lining, perhaps your fringe needs a trim.