Dear Harry and Meghan,
I must apologise but until now, I haven't been following the massive build-up to your wedding in the media mainly because I have been too busy looking after my two boys (which basically means I've been spending my precious time unclogging the toilet and mopping litres of piss off my bathroom floor).
But today, I finally took some time to catch up on the latest news and have only just learnt that your wedding tomorrow is going cost a whopping 32 million smackers!!
Now, let me stop you right there. What are your pair thinking?? Really??? It's mental!! And totally unnecessary! Why so much cash eh?
I feel compelled to write to you to convince you both to stall the wedding and rebook it for a later date. I feel that you have made some truly wreckless (dumbass) decisions concerning your wedding planning. It is possible to have a fabulous, memorable wedding where everyone will be perfectly happy without spending gajillions of taxpayer's dosh. Believe me, I know, because my wedding was less than two grand.
Listen up Harry and Meg, here's what you have to do:
1. GET KNOCKED UP BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED!
Meghan, I feel for you, I really do. With paparazzi up in your grill all the livelong day, the pressure to look good must be intense. As a result, I have no doubt that you've been surviving on minging kale and beetroot Nutribullet smoothies and carrot batons for the last year because you are terrified that you won't fit into your £300,000 frock. The pressure is real, I know.
So, first up, I propose that you postpone the wedding, bump uglies with Harry and get yourself pregnant (like I did before my wedding). Then, you can put down the beetroot juice and joyfully shovel Big Macs down your gullet right up until the big day. No one will pass judgement as folks will presume that your massive Big Mac gut is a gorgeous blooming pregnant belly holding a Prince or Princess and not 40lbs of processed beef and special sauce.
TOP MONEY-SAVING TIP: The Knocked-Up Bridal shop in Chiswick will sort you out with a cracking dress. Mine only cost £300....a damn sight cheaper than £300,000. With the money saved, you can afford to build your own McDonalds in your garden and you'll have easy access to an abundance of Big Macs for life!!
The added bonus of buying a maternity dress is that you get so much more fabric for your money so when you're done with it, you can make it into a play tent for the baby when he's older! #resourceful
2. DITCH THE PAINFUL and ExPENSIVE SHOES
Meg, don't spend your special day propped up in expensive Manolo Blahnik diamond-encrusted stilettos!! I beg you!! Your burning balls and bleeding blisters will be pure agony and you'll have every woman in the country weeping heartfelt tears of pity on your behalf knowing how much you will be suffering!!
All women know that tight, high shoes cause bunions and NO Princess needs to risk acquiring any of those bad boys. The Paparazzi will sniff them out and your deformed flippers will be ridiculed on the front page of every major fashion magazine for the next 20 years.
Save yourself the pain and humiliation and do what I did: Get your ass down to Accessorize and buy yourself a pair of diamante flip flops. At only £20, you'll not only save yourself a fortune but you'll spend the day in comfort.
A Bride in pain is no joke and you don't want to risk whipping off one of those stilettos and stabbing Prince Charles in the eye socket with it because you can no longer tolerate his 45 minute mundane monologue about the weather.
3. RINGS FROM ARGOS
Everyone gets so precious about their rings and I have no idea why. Return your $350,000 diamond ring and send Harry down to Argos instead. The selection at Elizabeth Duke counter is fantastic and you won't notice the difference. Mine was just £361 and I always get complimented on it.
And, if one of the diamonds accidentally falls out of your ring ten years from now (like what happened to mine) then just shove a bit of tin foil in the hole and folks will be none the wiser.
4. HAVE YOUR RECEPTION IN A PUB
Forget spending £300,000 on a marquee! Foolish!!
I got married in the local pub which was a genius idea (if I do say so myself). The great thing about getting married in a pub and not a fancy-ass castle in Windsor is the fact that a pint of lager won't set you back £15. If your guests are anything like mine were, they'll hear the words 'free bar' and they'll be shitfaced within an hour on all the Jack Daniels and pints of Snakebite that they can get their mitts on.
Those ushers will bleed you dry....trust me, so pick a venue where the booze is cheap!! In addition, make sure that your venue has adequate public liability insurance to cover when your Uncle (who can't handle his Stella) ends up doing a Del-Boy by falling through a gap the bar into a pile of his own vomit.
Everyone has THAT Uncle....trust me, so you must be insured for the inevitable.
5. M&S WEDDING CAKE
Let's be honest Meghan, you don't really give a shit about the cake do you? The big day should be all about YOU and how beautiful and amazing YOU look, not your Organic five-tiered slab of buttercream-slathered flour and eggs.
Paying £150,000 for something that will be fed to a crowd of seriously shitfaced guests is money down the drain and you know it!
I propose that you get one of these babies from M&S. At only £45 it's an absolute bargain. Pose for a photo with it and then dish out a load of Mr Kipling's Bakewell Slices to your inebriated guests.....they won't even notice and that's the truth. In reality, they'll only nibble their cakes out of politeness and will be wishing that they were served a platter of dirty kebabs instead.
You and Harry can then share the three tiered cake the next day after your Egg McMuffin newly-wed breakfast!!
6. BORROW MY DAD
Music is an important part of every wedding and I can highly recommend my Dad to come and serenade you with his bagpipes for your first dance. He is a lovely fella and a committed musician which he proved when he spent a good 38 minutes on the dancefloor on my wedding day tuning his pipes in front of my guests. The fortissimo wail of a set of bagpipes droning on for 38 minutes will add an unforgettable touch to the atmosphere..... believe me!
My Dad will happily play for you if you buy him a couple of pints of Guinness and a pack of pork scratchings. If you throw in a shot of Jameson's, he'll not object when the frisky pensioners start lifting his kilt up to have a peek at his crown jewels.
A good deal right? Because you know full well how frisky the Queen gets after a few Chardonnays and it's in your interest to keep her happy.
I think that by following my advice, you'll still have a fabulous day and save the taxpayer the best part of 32 million quid. And then you and Harry can enjoy Big Macs in your own McDonald's restaurant in the back garden whilst little Baby Harry plays happily in his jewelled maternity tent.