To Change Or Not To Change?...That Is The Question.

Planet EARTH.

71% Water, 29% Land.

Home to over 8.7 million different species.

Home to over 35,000 McDonald's restaurants.

Home to over 7.125 billion human beings, ALL of which are totally unique as no two humans are genetically identical.

Pretty awesome really.

I wouldn't call myself a scientist by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel that I have stumbled across an amazing discovery that may just blow your minds and put me up there next to Darwin and Einstein on the list of the world's greatest scientists.

My discovery?

Well, it's that humans are NOT different at all. We are NOT unique. Forget genetics, chromosomes ,DNA and other fancy words that I learnt in GCSE Science and then immediately forgot. I have discovered that the human species can be categorised in just THREE very distinct forms. 

This IS pure Science. Listen up. Just roll with it.

CATEGORY 1:

THOSE WHO CHANGE.

This is a human, usually female in gender,who ALWAYS changes the empty toilet roll once the last sheet has been used. She is organised, thoughtful and forward -thinking and ensures that the paper supply is always replenished for the next visitor. She is meticulous with her method and ensures the first sheet is pulled down, outward facing and poised for action. The empty roll is discarded into the recycling bin and not left on the bathroom floor.

Simple. Effective. Slick. Admirable.

The work of a person committed to change. It's beautiful

The work of a person committed to change. It's beautiful

CATEGORY 2:

THOSE WHO REFUSE TO CHANGE.

This human, usually male in gender, is the sort who openly REFUSES to change the empty roll. He has NO thought for anyone else but himself. He rips the final sheet from the roll with obnoxious vigour and leaves the empty cardboard roll spinning in a frenzy as he strides out of the bathroom. He doesn't care.

This category of human is also the sort who is likely to leave drips of urine on the toilet rim for all the world to see, like a wild mammal leaving a sample of his scent to mark his territory.

He is also the sort  to leave the toilet seat UP so that the next visitor to the scene is forced to put their delicate fingertips in his ghastly spillage whilst returning the toilet seat to a horizontal position.

He is powerful. He is free.

He answers to no one. 

A common scene. Please note that all ghastly spillages have been removed from this photo to prevent causing any offense to my readers.

A common scene. Please note that all ghastly spillages have been removed from this photo to prevent causing any offense to my readers.

CATEGORY 3:

THOSE WHO WANT TO CHANGE, BUT JUST CAN'T.

This human is essentially moral and wants to do the right thing. He/she senses that the end of the roll is near and is faced with a choice:  Either he/she must spend 11 seconds getting a new roll and then sliding it onto the silver holder, or he/she must plead ignorance and pretend that they are completely unaware of the diminishing supply.

They think about it. They want to do the right thing, but they just CAN'T. So they disguise their laziness and total lack of regard for their fellow human by leaving ONE tiny pointless sheet on the roll. They kid themselves that their act is thoughtful and kind...but it isn't.

They aren't kidding anyone, only themselves.

They leave the bathroom feeling a bit smug but a little guilty. They know deep down that they could have done better but they just didn't have the commitment to go all the way and replace the roll. 

You needn't have bothered. This would barely cover the behind of a hamster let alone that of a fully grown human.

You needn't have bothered. This would barely cover the behind of a hamster let alone that of a fully grown human.

Category 3 also applies to those humans who balance a new roll on top of an empty cardboard cylinder as follows:

This takes the piss.

This takes the piss.

This situation is common when the human is intoxicated and has carelessly used up the last sheet of roll. Where normally they would have left that last sheet, they have no choice but to wedge a giant new roll in it's place.

It's the next best thing....at least that's what they tell themselves.

So there you have it. The human species isn't a complex race of genetically unique individuals at all..It is far more simple than that:

Changers, Non-changers and Changer Wannabes. 

It's that simple.