The New Year is here which leads most of us to start making resolutions. We want to be better people. We want to be thinner, healthier, drink less, eat lentils, be nice, be organised....blah blah. Same old, same old.
I googled 'What are the most popular resolutions for 2015' and the standard list was revealed. I ran my eyes down the list however, and realised in an instant that I had already NAILED most of the common New Year's resolutions. There wasn't a single resolution on the list that I hadn't achieved in the last week of 2014. It's only the first of January and I am already the QUEEN OF 2015.
Here's how I nailed the most common resolutions of 2015:
1. LOSE WEIGHT
Everyone has bits of skin and the odd saddle bag that they would like to offload. New Year is the time to do it. We ditch the Turkey and roast potatoes and replace them with lentil curries and carrot batons (ugh!). Well, I don't need to do this as I have already shed pounds.
Well, back on Christmas Eve, I went trekking through a forest and into a cave to meet a fat guy in a red suit with brandy on his breath and crumbs caked in his synthetic beard ( 'Santa'). In doing so, I wrecked my giant orthopaedic boots. They were just COVERED in mud. I had been wearing the things every day for 3 years and I therefore felt that the time had come to chuck them in the bin and finally rid myself of the beastly boots once and for all. So I did.
Later that evening, I stood on the scales and I had miraculously lost 2 pounds. There you have it....WEIGHT LOSS!!!
2. SAVE MONEY
Most people over- spend at Christmas and get themselves into all kinds of credit card trouble. The New Year is a time to take hold of the debt, kick it in the nuts and start saving our pennies ( for the day when it rains so hard that you need to hit Majestic Wine and buy ALL of the Pinot) . These rainy days are coming to us all and we need to be prepared. I am already well on my way to having a substantial rainy day fund .
Well, I stumbled across an unopened letter yesterday from 'Amazon Prime'. They offered me a FREE month's subscription to their product, which meant that I could get all of my shopping delivered for FREE. Wowsers! So, I was able to order a vase, new non- orthopaedic boots, a tea towel holder, the full set of Mr Men Books, a plunger, new knives and a Hugh Jackman poster, all to be delivered for FREE!!
There you have it, I've already saved £12.87 on postage and packing. I'm taking care of the pennies.... I'M SAVING MONEY!!
3. GET FIT
We all want to be fitter and January is the time when we hit the gym. We all sign contracts to enable ourselves to plod on a cross trainer with the conviction of asthmatic, old-aged hamsters on wheels. I don't need to do such a thing this year as I have already become substantially fitter in the last week.
Well, my toddler has developed a sudden all-consuming passion for Beyoncé (Good choice little man). As luck would have it, I attended a hen-do in the Summer where we were all taught the routine to 'Ring On It' by a professional dancer. With my new-found choreography skills, I decided to teach Bob the moves this week and we have been spending half an hour each day perfecting our ass shakes. My back fat has been darting up my body all week like a glorious Mexican wave and the wave gets less enthusiastic with each day that goes by.. Bye- bye back fat, ....I AM ALREADY FITTER.
4. DRINK LESS
We all drink too much. We all spent Christmas totally mullered and woke up with congealed Bailey's on our chins (didn't we?) January is the time to nip our drinking in the bud and be healthier Evian-drinking individuals. It's only January the first and we have been drinking far less than usual!
Well, my husband has been playing guitar in a panto for the whole of the Christmas season, which means that I have been housebound for five straight weeks. Every night, I have been sucking up Pinot through a straw all alone, without my companion by my side matching me glass for glass. Our weekly box of wine is still going strong 9.5 days later! There's no need to order another on the Tesco order this week . It's a Christmas miracle!.....Clearly, we are DRINKING LESS!
5. SPEND MORE TIME WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
We all (should) want to do this...we need to make more time for our beloved friends and family and I ALREADY AM!
Well, I am a musician and we are usually pretty free between Christmas and August. January is particularly non eventful and I have therefore found many a free hour to spend with my friends Chandler Bing, Joey Tribianni and Phoebe Buffay. Towards the end of each day, there's always time for some family giggles with Peter and Lois Griffin and Baby Stewie. I AM SPENDING LOADS OF TIME WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY (guy) !!
6. DO SOMETHING TO HELP OTHERS
Most of us are too self-involved at times and when the New Year hits, we decide that we would like to do more to help others. Well, I am already doing this....in fact IT'S ALL I DO.
Well, just yesterday, I changed a hugely disturbing nappy so that my toddler could walk normally once again. Helpful no? I then made beans and toast for lunch and fed it to him bean by bean after he refused feed himself. It took 58 minutes.Super helpful!
I also helped my 5 year old crack level 57 of Candy Crush as he was finding it a struggle. Then, I wrestled with a screwdriver and built the monstrosity pictured below for my boys to play with so that they could experience the pure joy of rolling 300 cars down it all day. After that, I wiped the urine off the toilet seat, prepared fillets of cod, pommes neuf and winter vegetables (fishfingers, chips and peas), folded 15 pairs of tiny pants and then put 300 Matchbox cars back in their designated bucket.
See, I CAN'T HELP BUT HELP OTHERS!
7. BE LESS STRESSED
Life is stressful and most of us use New Year as a time to rid ourselves of any stress that we could do without. I have done this already.
Well, I bought a wipe-clean table cloth to cover my new oak dining table. Now, I don't bat an eyelid when meatballs and spaghetti strands are lobbed at me from across the table. NO STRESS! I have also discovered that Youtube has millions of episodes of Peppa Pig back to back. I can just hit 'play' and my kids will freeze in their tracks and stop harassing me for 45 minutes at a time. LESS STRESS! I have also fixed the lock on the bathroom door. Now, I have somewhere that I can go and hide should things get too stressful. I AM WAY LESS STRESSED!!!
8. LEARN SOMETHING NEW
We all want to better ourselves and take on new challenges and learn new skills. Well, it's only January the first and I have already learnt something completely new to me.
I have learnt that Walker's Skips only have 1 point in the Weight Watcher's weight loss programme. The Sweet chilli Weight Watcher's own crisps have 2 points! This means that I can eat TWO packets of the delicious dissolvable delights as opposed to one packet of tasteless cardboard 'crisps' and still continue to shave some skin off my midriff. THIS IS A GREAT NEW THING TO LEARN!
So, I think you'll agree that I have already nailed ALL of the most common New Year's resolutions. I am officially the Queen of 2015.
I shall celebrate by stocking up on wine and Skips with my credit card which Amazon will deliver for FREE!!!