These are my kids.
They are handsome little devils.....or at least they were the last time I saw their actual faces.
Because, this is the most I ever see of my children's faces these days.
My kids have spent so long behind their iPads (not real ones but the FAR cheaper kiddie versions) that it is possible that they've hit puberty and sprouted facial hair since I last saw their faces.
Hell, I am not entirely sure that these are my kids. They could easily be imposters living in my house, eating my food and using my hot water whilst screaming obscenities at me from behind these devices.
My kids spend hours upon hours hidden behind this ridiculously addictive machine....a machine so powerful that Steve Jobs himself refused to let his kids use them as he feared it would stifle their creativity!!!
Honestly, my kid's stunted creative development is the least of my concerns.
There are more basic human actions that have taken a major back seat since these iPads came into their lives.
My kids are so addicted to their iPads that they shout at their own genitals when they need a wee....because having to go to the toilet and piss all over my floor takes time- valuable time that they would rather spend defeating Emperor Palpatine in Lego Star Wars on their iPads. #WillyNeglect
My kids explode when I call them for their dinner. Eating is a time-consuming act after all and their time is much better spent building a hut made of diamonds in Minecraft.
They may actually starve to death because of this machine.
Sleep? Pah! What a waste of time! My kids wake up at 6.30am every day and sneak downstairs to fire up their iPads and then scream with frustration when some jackass kills off their character in Roblox.
Their faces go bright red, their shrill voices penetrate the double glazing and small woodland creatures scamper up the trees in fear of their lives. #SquirrelAbuseCausedByiPadRAGE
And I can hear what you're saying:
'Limit their use Katy, take the iPads away!!'.
And I have. But this happens.
We are talking rotating heads, cascading tears, protestations of 'I HATE you!' and vomit: lots of ungodly, green vomit with chunks of undigested carrots as standard.
I decided that I needed to talk to my husband about my concerns. I'm not qualified to handle this situation alone. Should we call a therapist? Or perhaps an Exorcist?
But I didn't get a response from him.
I am certain that I could be engaging in a massive, acrobatic orgy on the kitchen floor with Carmen Electra and all of his celebrity crushes and my husband wouldn't even look up from his beloved screen.
NB. I didn't draw a picture of this scene. This is a family blog after all. Use your imagination (if it hasn't been destroyed by iPad over usage that is)
So, I decided that something had to be done. I needed to research how to handle this iPad addiction so that I could finally see my family's faces after all of these months.
I needed to get my lovely kids back and I needed to see more of my husband's body than just the top of his shiny bald head.
Indeed, there is so much more to see.
And I got some helpful tips. ...plus bought a new light fitting from Ebay.
And a new tea towel holder from Amazon.
Then watched a hilarious video of cats wearing hats.
Plus saw pictures of Clare Adam's wedding....she looked so beautiful and has really grown into her nose (because it really was a honker when I last saw her back in 1989 in Primary School)
And I will use the valuable information that I learnt but I must do a Tesco online shop first. And crack level 98 of Candy Crush.
It has to be possible for f**ks sake!!!!