Small, pink and annoying.
As an adult it's hard not to be profoundly irritated by a slab of talking pork in a red dress with a brother who bursts into hysterical tears in eight second intervals.
The perpetual oinking, the giggling, the incessant tinky tonk xylophone music and the patronising digs of Mummy Pig are enough to push most adults into the bacon section of the local Asda to buy up and pan fry the whole stock as revenge.
However, as my kids have grown older, I have come to realise that this little pig, annoying as she is, has become the very reason why I haven't had a nervous breakdown. This pig has saved my skin and for this reason I am putting down my bacon sandwiches to show my gratitude for everything that she has done for me, my family and my sanity.
Farewell bacon buttie.
The truth is that Peppa has magical powers.
My kids could be smashing Play Doh into my carpet, pulling the stuffing out of my cushions or convulsing on the floor in an unexplained rage but the second the xylophone's tinky tonk arpeggio hits their earlobes, they stop dead in their tracks and are drawn towards the Samsung screen.
There they will stay for the full five minute episode: quiet, still and peaceful...as if they've been shot with a tranquiliser dart.
Infact, her powers are so strong that it's not just kids who are easily seduced by them.
I know that five minutes of peace doesn't seem like much. But when you're a parent, five minutes can mean the world.
It is these little five minute bursts of freedom in which parents are able to achieve incredible things...things that they were robbed of doing since they had kids.
For example, in five minutes, a parent may actually:
1. Urinate in a seated position... and have the time to flush, and even wash their hands. BLISS!
2. Sit on a chair, perhaps even recline and consume a lukewarm cup of liquid. They may even have a moment to think...or even use their imagination: like ponder how they might distribute their lottery winnings amongst their nearest and dearest when they win the jackpot in the near future
3. Apply liquid eyeliner to TWO eyes in such a calm and controlled manner so that they look more Angelina Jolie and less Alice Cooper.
4. Read an article in Take A Break magazine about a woman who married a man who has 3 testicles.
5. Buy a diamante toilet brush, a Minions lampshade, some mildew remover and other absolute essentials from Amazon.
6. Do five rounds of their pelvic floor exercises whilst googling Hugh Jackman and eating a chunky KitKat.
7. Devour a Curly Wurly, a bag of Pom Bears and half a bumper bag of Haribo Starmix from the kid's stash.
8. Power nap.
Aside from these luxuries, parents are able to reply to emails, run their businesses, maintain their friendships and enable themselves the glorious pleasure of being on hold to British Gas in these five minute chunks of blissful freedom.
Thank you Peppa. You have made this all possible.
You're the reason why my world still spins: why my kids wear clean clothes, why there aren't jumbo sized sewer rats running across my kitchen floor and why I'm not plunged into darkness from not having a free second to pay my electricity bill.
And it's not just her that I have to thank.
Thanks to Dora, my toilet seat is clean and my kids can count in Spanish. Thanks to Milli, Geo and Bot (aka Team Umizoomi) , I have time to prepare home cooked meals (and all produce from Captain Birdseye) and my children have learnt what a dodecahedron is.
And thanks to Spongebob, I have the time to feed and wash myself (true luxuries) whilst my kids learn powerful life lessons from a yellow talking sponge and a pink goofy starfish.
Cheers guys! I owe you one.