What EVERY Woman Needs In Her Life...

WARNING!!: If you are offended by images of phallic objects, or the use of colourful nouns, then please look away. But I am guessing that you aren't or else you wouldn't have clicked on the link with the picture of a happy penis on it!!

 So, if you are intrigued, please read on. You will not be judged for satisfying your curiosity.... at least not by me.

THE DAY WE MET

It was April the 6th 2010, the day of my 30th birthday which also happened to be the day of my hen do.

Given that I was pregnant when I got married (don't judge me Auntie Mavis, we did plan it that way!) my hen do was put on hold until after the baby was born. The idea was that I could actually enjoy the event (ie. get wildly shitfaced) as is tradition. My pals and I decided to tie my hen do in with my 30th birthday and really go to town!

It was a wonderful affair filled from start to finish with an abundance of penis-shaped merchandise; dick mints, cock straws, hair bands with glittery pink members hanging off them and boxes filled to the brim with tallywhacker-shaped pasta.

These items brought much delight to my cocktail-swigging pals and I, but years later, long after the cock mints had been sucked and the tallywhacker pasta devoured, there was only one genitalia-shaped gift remaining that has stood the test of time.

MY PENIS SHAPED HAIR BRUSH!!

Now, I am not a disgusting, perverted individual (honest, Auntie Mavis! I'm NOT!) but I am finally proud to admit that I have styled my hair every day for the last nine years with this penis-shaped roller brush.

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Now for those of you who are already disgusted, let me explain. You must understand that having been born with an unruly afro, I have had a lifetime of struggle trying to tame and control it so that I could hold my beastly bouffant up high in public (and fit throw doors with ease) 

 THIS HAIR IS NO JOKE WHEN TRYING TO FIT IN A FIAT PANDA

THIS HAIR IS NO JOKE WHEN TRYING TO FIT IN A FIAT PANDA

Afro combs, paddles brushes, detanglers, straighteners, serum, lotions and potions and countless prayers to God did NOTHING to tame the formidable fro. Believe me, I've tried.Then, one day, when I was at my most desperate, I remembered the penis-shaped brush that I had shamefully tucked in my drawer away from the public eye.

I took the unsightly brush out of its packet, ran it through my hair and BOOM.... my life changed forever!!

 LIKE SHE'S JUST STEPPED OUT OF A SALON

LIKE SHE'S JUST STEPPED OUT OF A SALON

A strong bond was formed instantly between my brush and I that day. It granted me the confidence to dance out into the world with my sleek barnet crafted to perfection! No doorway, narrow or wide could stop me. Such is the power of our connection that there have been times when I've thought that the relationship between this brush and I might even outlive my marriage!!

I wanted to share my discovery with the world, to tell other women that there IS an answer to unruly locks!!. That there IS a way to have glossy, straight hair which isn't flat and lifeless! But sadly, we live in a harsh society where people jump to conclusions, pass judgement easily and are quick to take offence.

I am disheartened to report that my brush and I have had a few run ins with the general public over the years. And let's just say, our relationship has not been well received. 

The worst:

THE INCIDENT OF 2013:

It was a regular morning.

I was standing in the kitchen blow drying my hair with the aid of my trusty cock brush when the doorbell rang. I opened the door in my pyjamas to find my new neighbour, a devout Sikh, asking to come through the house to my garden to get his child's football that had accidentally been kicked over the fence.

I welcomed him in without delay.

Unfortunately, the man couldn't handle what was waiting for him in the kitchen.

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He left so quickly that I never even got a chance to introduce myself.

I never saw him again,not for the remainder of the two years that we lived there. My husband never understood why he was so unfriendly, why he rejected his repeated offers to come over for a BBQ.

But I knew why. It was the brush. He just couldn't handle the brush. 

Then, there was:

THE SECURITY GUY OF 2012

My job as a professional musician requires me to travel quite frequently. It also requires me to look presentable on stage, but more importantly to have a hairstyle sleek enough that musicians sitting behind me can see the conductor past it. So, naturally, where I have travelled, my penis-brush has come with me. The success of my career has depended on it!

We have been all over the world together; Hong Kong, USA, Europe, Bognor Regis.... everywhere! 

Sadly, and I have learnt this the hard way, but sadly, airport security have not taken too well to the prescence of my willy-brush in my hand luggage.

Neither have other travellers....

 It's just a brush. Not a chemical weapon. Not a bomb. Not a machete. DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC EVERYONE!!!

It's just a brush. Not a chemical weapon. Not a bomb. Not a machete. DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC EVERYONE!!!

But after all these years, I have had enough!! I am NOT going to be ashamed of my brush anymore!!

So this post is my declaration of LOVE for the brush that has given me the hair that I have always wanted! My teenage years were RUINED from sporting a giant afro, as were my entire twenties! Who knows, maybe if I had been given this brush sooner, I might have attracted the likes of Hugh Jackman and would be living in Hollywood right now sipping Margaritas by the pool as he stroked my sleek locks!!

I guess I'll never know what could have been, but what I do know is that the future looks bright with this brush by my side. I don't care if the pensioners on the bus see it hanging out of my bag, if the staff at the Albert Hall frown when they search me, if the security guard backstage at The Michael Buble concert thinks I am a pervert!

After reading this, they'll know the truth and next time, instead of tutting, they will just tell me how lovely my hair looks.

So ladies and gents, if you want a glossy mane to be proud of and if you have the guts to carry a penis around with you on the London Underground, then get your mitts around one of these babies. Available on Amazon.

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You're worth it!!!