Dear Publishers of the Oxford Dictionary,
I thought I'd drop you a line to express my thoughts concerning your publication and to offer my heartfelt opinion regarding its content.
I must say that I am delighted to see that you have rolled with the times and have added some rather splendid words/terms to your fabulous book.
'Wine o' clock' and 'Beer o'clock' are certainly well-used terms in my household and the addition of the words 'side boob', 'hangry', 'manspreading' and 'brain fart' has been a welcome one for all of humanity.
However, I feel that there are some words that I and many members of society would like to see removed from your publication and banned from the English language altogether. I believe you have the power to make this happen.
It goes without saying that the word 'moist' needs to go.
I'm sure most of the population will agree that their spinal chords shudder when this word is uttered aloud. Indeed, it has no place in the English language and frankly we could do without it.
Cake is 'nice'...there's no need embellish this statement any further by describing it as 'moist'.
*shudders and reaches for the sick bag
Moistness aside, I feel that the mental health of the parenting community in particular would really benefit from removing the following words from your publications:
The word 'Poo' and all of its variations ( 'poo-poo', 'pooey' and 'poop' etc) is completely overused by most males from the age of 4 upwards.
Nowadays, a parent, having survived years of disposing of their children's gargantuan stools will finally reach the stage where changing nappies is no longer required. However, despite not having to physically deal with faeces, they become forced to endure daily conversations about it instead.
'How was your day?', they say to their children.
'It was poo', often comes the reply.
'What did you have for lunch?'
'Poo poo and sweetcorn', is usually the answer.
According to 85% of boys aged 4-12, they learn about 'poo' at school, play with their friends 'Poo-Head and Poo Face' at lunchtime and feast on a regular diet of poo and chips in the canteen.
They sing 'Happy Birthday to Poo' and 'How Much Is That Poo-Face in the window' and dance to 'Gangnam Poo'.
Please Oxford...NO MORE POO.
It's your turn to dispose of it! We have had quite enough!!
Re-read the previous passage and replace the word 'poo' with 'bum'.
Young boys will casually switch between the two when describing the events of their day, discussing their likes and dislikes or when giving their opinion of current world events.
If our boys were to be contestants on Mastermind, their specialist topics would undoubtedly be 'Poo and Bum'.
The art of conversation will never fully develop with these ghastly words clogging up the sentences of our children.
No more bum please, Head of Oxford Dictionary!!
I really bumming-well mean it!
Without a shadow of a doubt, the word 'why' is the most irritating and overused word stated by our children today.
A classic situation of its overuse is as follows:
'It's time for bed'
'Because it is'
'Because I said so'
'Because it IS. IT IS DAMMIT!!!!!!'
I truly believe that if it wasn't for the word 'why', the terms 'wine o' clock' and 'beer o'clock' need not have been added to your publication in the first place.
Indeed, parents wouldn't be pounding down the Pinot each day if they weren't tortured by the overuse of this three-lettered minx.
'Why do you not have a willy?' 'Why are you eating cake for breakfast?' 'Why does Daddy have no hair?' 'Why do you sit down when you wee?' 'Why is your belly like jelly?'
'Why does Grandad smell?'
Why? Why? WHY???????!!!!
This tiny little word opens up most parents to questions that they just aren't qualified to answer- questions that need a psychology degree at the very least to answer properly to prevent causing their children any long term mental damage.
And these 'where' questions often come totally out of the blue.
A parent may be sitting on the toilet contemplating what to cook for dinner when their child will burst through the door demanding:
'Where do we go when we die?'
'Where do babies come from?'
'Where did Great Granny go?'
'Where is my Lego Iron Man's helmet??'
Parent's are all too often caught with their pants down and inevitably panic and blurt out careless answers like:
'Uh. Babies come from seeds that Daddies give to Mummies. They swallow them and drink some water and a baby grows in Mummy's tummy'.
...and just like that they've ruined their child's chances of ever passing GCSE Biology.
NB. The word 'where' also is a key factor in the breakdown of many marriages.
'Honey, where are my pants?'
'Uh, NOT in the laundry basket but on the floor next to the divorce papers that I left for you to sign amongst all of your dirty clothes!!!!'
Now, this is a controversial one, but I for one would love to see the word 'Mummy' removed or at least temporarily suspended from the English language....just to give my eardrums some respite.
Mothers eagerly wait for their babies to say this glorious little word. Then one day out of the blue, the little word finally pops out and caresses the eardrums like a beautiful Mozart piano concerto. Ah. It is bliss!
Fast forward two years and the novelty has totally worn off. The Mozart piano concerto has become an insufferable, penetrating House Music tune that is thrusted at your earlobes at full volume all the live long day.
The term 'Mummy' is now stated at the front, middle and the end of every sentence/statement that a child makes.
Kids blurt it out at varying degrees of intensity morning, noon and night like crazed talking puppets whose strings have jammed in their backs. Studies have shown that it is only used for its correct purpose just 5% of the time.
A typical scenario:
'Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mum, Mum, MUMMY, Mum, Muuuuuummmmy. MMMUMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!'
'What? What? What? WHAT DO YOU WANT?????????'
'Uh. I dunno'.
It is hardly surprising that the overuse of this word has caused mothers up and down the country to plant their full faces into a Sara Lee Gateaux and hoover up a bottle of Pinot with a straw most evenings.
I trust that you will take my thoughts on board.
(AKA Mummy Poo-Head)
If you fancy voting for me for 'Best Writer' in the BiB awards then just click below. Voters will find that their children will sleep soundly in their beds and eat all of their vegetables after voting. Serious.