Learning something new.

They say that we 'Learn something new each day'. 

Well, I must have a super absorbent brain as I seem to have soaked up about ten crucial life lessons in the last 48 hours. My cup just runneth over with new information. I am soaked with new ideas and think that I may be capable of writing a self-help book to share my wisdom with the universe.

Here are the highlights of what I have learnt:

STICK TO THE PLAN.

When stopping off at the petrol station to grab a bottle of water, DON'T be enticed by the B.O.G.O.F deals that are stacked in their multitudes by the cash register. You will come out with TWO Snickers Bars, TWO Grab Bags of Salt and Vinegar Walkers, TWO bags of Jam Doughnuts and two EXTRA large cans of Red Bull. No water.

By the time you get home, you will have consumed the ENTIRE lot. You will feel greedy and sick and will beat yourself up about it until 3 am. It is only then, at this ungodly hour, that the Red Bull will have worn off and you will finally get some peace from the perpetual torment of your abusive conscious.

If you need water, buy it. Stick to the plan.

It's that simple.

 

QUESTION EVERYTHING

When providing your husband with a list of errands that he has to do whilst you are at work, ALWAYS follow up the list with the question, 'What did I just say?' and wait for the reply.

This little test will confirm if he has listened and processed everything that you have just said or if he has merely switched into his 'Stand by' mode and grunted and nodded at regular 3 second intervals as you performed your monologue.

In the long run, this will save many an argument...and he may actually do 50% of the errands on the list and not just the first thing that you said.

 

WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOOLS, IMPROVISE.

I discovered that  a coat hanger makes a worthy substitute for a plunger.

Yes, if your toilet becomes blocked by the giant brown creation of a toddler, unravel a wire coat hanger and give it a good old poke. In the absence of a gas mask, place cotton wool balls up your nose and wrap a tea towel over your face to protect against possible splash backs.

Sunglasses will provide effective eye protection and if you have run out of air freshener, spray sun tan lotion instead. With the sunglasses and the smell of the lotion, it is possible that you may be able to convince yourself that you are on holiday and that you are stirring a giant cocktail.

This will motivate you towards the task at hand.

 

PLAN AHEAD...SPONTANEITY IS FOR THE FOOLISH.

I learnt this one the hard way:

NEVER decide to spontaneously jump on a trampoline in a public park unless you are wearing sensible and supportive underwear.

A Wonderbra is NOT supportive.

Health and safety should always be at the forefront of your mind... and it doesn't hurt to have some pubic liability insurance.

 

The Stubborn Stool Removal Kit. 

The Stubborn Stool Removal Kit.