The Guy Who Taught Kids To Cry

Once upon a time in a not so far away land, there lived a lovely man called Alan.

Alan was a kind and good- natured soul who had always enjoyed making people happy.

Ever since he was a child, Alan took great pleasure in giving gifts to others and seeing the great big smiles on their faces. Therefore, it was no surprise that Alan grew up to become a toy maker and he would spend his days making fabulous toys for the children of the world to enjoy.

Seeing young children smile made Alan smile even more and he lived a life of great happiness and fulfilment.

The years passed by and Alan continued to bring joy to the world until one day, he received some disappointing news. Alan, an avid fan of One Direction, discovered that they were splitting up... Zayn had left the group!!

And Alan felt sad.

Very sad in fact.

In a fog of heart-wrenching disappointment, Alan realised that life wasn't always joyful. He realised that for every wonderful feeling and  drop of goodness in this world, there was always an opposite.

Where happiness existed, sadness had to be there to counteract it. Where there was good, there was also evil.

Where there was laughter, there had to be tears.

So, Alan felt compelled to be honest to the children of the world: he HAD to show them not only the feelings of joy and happiness, but teach them also about the feelings of sadness and disappointment.

And so he created SURPRISE BAGS.

Alan decided that it would be a wonderful idea to seal tiny toys in foil bags and label them as a 'Surprise'. Indeed, the 'surprise' was that no child would ever be able to see what was inside the bag until they purchased it and tore it open.

On the back of the bag he decided to list all of the toys that potentially could be inside which served to tickle the child's curiosity and fuel their insatiable desire to collect all 50 of the items listed. 

And so every Saturday, Alan would to go to Smyths Toy Superstore and stand and watch children scream with glee as their parents shelled out £2.99 for one of his tiny Minion Surprise bags before they tore it open like savage wolves ripping limbs off lambs.

'I got the VAMPIRE Minion', they would cry in delight! . The parents would wipe their brows in relief and leave the store feeling a sense of immense joy and happiness.

This made Alan happy.

The following week, after enduring 168 hours of enthusiastic nagging, the parents would return to Smyths Toy Superstore to feed their children's hunger for a new Minions Surprise bag- indeed they still had 49 toys left to collect according to the packaging.

Alan would be there, waiting in the wings nibbling on a box of popcorn...his eyes flexed wide in anticipation.

Once again, the child would tear the tiny bag open and....

'I GOT A VAMPIRE ONE....AGAIN!!!!'  he would cry as he threw the duplicate over his shoulder in disgust and then collapse on the floor to convulse like a rabid street dancer.

The parents, saddened by their child's disappointment and embarrassed by his insane display of emotion, would have no choice but to purchase another surprise bag...and another, and another....until their child got the right toy to add to their collection.

This made Alan happy.

He had created the ultimate toy: one that could show children the great feeling of happiness but also the gut-wrenching sadness of being totally disappointed.

Alan's work was done.

Or at least he thought it was.

Because, before long, Alan started to ponder what the opposite of generosity might be.

He had always enjoyed giving to others: he had given children the gift of joy and the perspective of disappointment, but now Alan wanted to experience the opposite of giving ....he wanted to TAKE!

He decided to take, take , take ALL of the money from the parents of the world!!!

So he joined forces with some of the world's greatest franchises and made Surprise bags to tickle every single child's desires:

Frozen bags, Ninja Turtles, Lego, My Little Pony, Moshi Monsters and so on, and on and on.

And Alan didn't stop at Surprise bags. He made 'surprise' collectable cards, 'surprise' activity packs and 'surprise' key rings-  and he made them available in every toy shop, every supermarket, petrol station and cinema across the globe.

Indeed, no child could escape the attractive pull of Alan's merchandise and no parent could say 'No' to their paralytic toddlers who convulsed on the shop floors of Tescos nationwide.

So Alan was finally able to experience what it was like to be greedy...and he liked it.

He became rich in fact that he was able to retire, build a pool in his back garden and listen to his One Direction albums as he sipped Manhattan's in the Sun.

And what happened to the parents of the world?

Well, they became frustrated and poor, and spent their days drowning in piles of duplicated toys and empty foil wrappers whilst their children sobbed rivers of snotty tears.

I guess this comes as no 'Surprise'.

Alan's invention meant that he was able to teach children the full spectrum of human emotion. No longer were children just Now they knew what true happiness and extreme disappointment were...all because of his surprise bags.

Alan became the world expert in 'Teaching What Ain't Taught' to children by their parents and teachers.

He was a T.W.A.T specialist.

Or what society now refers to as just a TWAT.