I'm Every Woman

It's Monday morning. It's 8.49 AM.

Here is what I have done so far today:

Lifted two whingeing small humans from their beds.

Made their beds.

Peeled a flattened poo off a tiny bum.

Gagged a little.

Wiped an explosive shower of urine from the toilet seat lid.

Explained to a 4 yr old where to aim his 'hose' before 'Watering the flowers'.. A daily ritual.

Sighed.

Wiped three tiny bums...one was my own...

It's not tiny....I told a lie.

Sliced 2 bananas into 20 circular pieces and 2 rounds of toast into perfect squares and hand fed them to my kids...apparently their hands were 'broken'

Devoured 3 cups of lukewarm Nescafé

Sliced 8 carrots, 2 parsnips, 5 sweet potatoes and one large onion to make an Irish stew.

Watched 3 episodes of Peppa Pig and half an episode of Fireman Sam.

Clipped a ragged toenail.

Made an online payment to British Gas.

Replied to 5 texts and 3 emails.

Wrestled a feisty octopus....Ok, ok, I put 4 flailing arms and 4 kicking legs into tiny cotton sacks (clothes)

Met a new handsome Tesco man.Had a six minute conversation with him as he carried my groceries into the kitchen....all the while my chest was unsupported.

Put on a bra.

Put 9 bags of shopping away and 5 bottles of new wine into the wine fridge.

Stood for 2 minutes to admire the sight of a fridge FULL of wine.

Smiled.

Bleached the toilet.

Plucked a stubborn hair from my chin.

Sighed and worried about the prospect of developing a fully grown beard some day.

Removed 16 pieces of LEGO from the crevice in the sofa.

Ate half a bowl of soggy Shreddies.

Peeled crushed banana circles and (now rectangular) cold toast pieces off my laminate floor.

Steam cleaned the floor.

 

 

My husband?

Well, he has just woken up. So far he has:

Walked across the living room

Scratched his ass.

Farted.

Flicked the kettle switch to the 'ON' position.

 

Am I a superhero?

Nope

I am not. I am just a woman.

In the word's of the late great Whitney Houston:

'I'M EVERY WOMAN, It's all in me,

Anything you want done baby, I'll do it naturally."

They say Rome wasn't built in a day....but had it have been built by women,  then I am confident that it would have been erected in a matter of hours.

We are awesome.

NB. For the sake not offendingany of my male readers, I just want to say that men are awesome too.

You guys are better at parking, telling jokes, packing and chopping vegetables with admirable skill and precision.

And if I have offended any ladies by that statement, I just want to remind you that one of our awesome qualities is our ability to keep the peace when required.

Oh, and I also rearranged my bathroom foam alphabet to make this very important statement. Didn't have enough letters to write 'Awesome' mind.

Oh, and I also rearranged my bathroom foam alphabet to make this very important statement. Didn't have enough letters to write 'Awesome' mind.

The List