Getting older is one of life's cruel inevitabilities.
We all start out with baby-soft, flawless, tight skin and gradually over time the skin begins to sag and the dark circles start to form under our eyes. Then come the wrinkles. Sadly for most of us, it will get to the point where our asses will droop down to the backs of our knees and we will end up dragging our boobs across the floor and propping them up in the child seat of the trolley in Sainsbury's just to alleviate the stress on our curved spines.
This day is coming to us all and there is only a small percentage of the population who can avoid it. These are the folks who can afford plastic surgery and although this seems like a wonderful option, it can often backfire. The internet is rammed with pictures of celebrities who have overdosed on plastic surgery and have botoxed every crevice of their faces so that they can no longer stop the saliva from dripping out of their swollen rubber lips .
I can totally see how surgery can become addictive. What usually starts as a simple boob lift quickly escalates into a full body overhaul because once the boobs are lifted and inflated, everything else looks even more saggy than it did before. The fact is, no celebrity wants boobs hoiked up so far towards their chin that their turkey neck gets stuck in their new cleavage.
The cruel reality is that if you lift the boobs, you then have to tuck the neck to prevent your cleavage from grabbing ahold of it causing potential suffocation. Tuck the neck and you have to pin back the cheeks to avoid the 'stuffed hamster' look. Pin back the cheeks and you have to lift the forehead to avoid the 'fiercely troubled' look. And so on. The more surgeries you have, the more you have to keep having just to look 'normal'. It's a vicious surgical circle.
This explains Jackie Stallone's bake. Sorry Jackie...but you really did over do it. Really, you did.
I don't want to look like Jackie.I don't want to fall victim to a syringe of botox and a scalpel. I want to age gracefully and not spend my life looking like someone has wrapped a sheet of cling film around my head and I am struggling to breathe. I don't want a face that looks permanently indifferent regardless of whether I am ecstatically happy or desperately sad and I definitely don't want boobs that might explode on an EasyJet flight to Alicante.
As an alternative to plastic surgery, the shops are full of lotions and potions that promise to 'reduce the signs of aging'. But what if I succomb to these tempting promises and spend the next twenty years buying these expensive face creams only to get to my 50's and find that I am more wrinkled than I would have been if I had just laid in the bath for a decade? Are Garnier and Loréal going to give me a refund?? Nah. I doubt it.
What we all need is an efficient and inexpensive way of disguising the wrinkles and the dark circles, covering up the brown aging spots and the grey hairs and sucking up the low hanging ass and mammaries.I have the answer and believe it or not, it lies with the world's Godfather of 'Shock Rock'. The black-eyed, leather-wearing, snake-lovin':
Yes!! Mr Alice Cooper has aging gracefully nailed to a fine art and we can all learn from him. He once considered having plastic surgery but his wife refused to let him do it. Instead, he came up with a genius plan to hang on to his original features and still ROCK the aging process!
Here is what he does:
Cast aside the anti-wrinkle cream and the Touche Éclat and get your mitts on a black liquid eyeliner. Then paint it all around your eye sockets, over the dark circles and the crows feet and then down the creases in your cheeks. Alice does this and it hides ALL of the lines that he doesn't want the world to see. Genius!
2. Dye Your Hair Black.
Black hair dye is the strongest and most hard-wearing of all colourants and it will eradicate grey hairs with ease. Alice uses it and his hair is always glossy and radiant.When your roots start to appear, wear a large top hat to hide them. Alice does this often...because he is a genius!
3. Wear Leather at all Times.
Need to hold your ass and boobs up? Then leather is the way to go. Alice rarely wears anything else. Leather is tight and strong and it can support all of your fleshy folds and stop them from falling victim to the powers of gravity. Reinforce the leather by wearing a pair of Spanx also. The Spanx will pull your stomach inwards and upwards and you can stuff the excess overhanging skin into your Wonderbra, thus giving your boobs the extra lift they need. Boob jobs? Pah! This is a pain-free and economical way of getting a boob lift.
4. Wear gloves
Hide your brown aging spots on your hands by wearing black, fingerless leather gloves at all times. It's a simple and effective solution that Alice has for hiding his unsightly spots.
5.Get A Pet Snake.
Worried about a sagging chin? Well Alice isn't. Why? Because he got himself a pet snake and wrapped it around his neck. Nobody is going to see your turkey neck if there's a snake wrapped around it. The presence of a venomous snake on your person will also prevent anyone from coming too close and so they will never even get a glimpse of your wrinkles in the first place. It's simple and effective and yes, you guessed it... it's pure genius.
I take my top hat off to Alice- he really is an inspiration. I don't need botox...I don't want 'Poison running through my veins'. To ROCK getting older, I just need an eyeliner and some leather gear...and a snake. Fantasssssssssssstic!