Now, before I begin, I'd like to apologise to my parents who most definitely WILL read this post given that they are the number one fans of my blog.
But Mum, Dad, you have to understand that your grandkids weren't delivered here by storks gliding through the glorious Autumnal skies.
They are here because your little girl bumped uglies with your son-in-law.
Okay, okay....because your little girl 'made love' to your son-in-law...if that makes you feel any better about it.
Anyone who has had a child knows that finding time to sit on a toilet seat or have a phone conversation, let alone have a five minute frisky fondle is near on impossible because kids literally take over your lives the moment they are squeezed/wrenched out into this world.
EVERYTHING is put on hold and as a result, your sex life will suffer if you don't make a major effort to keep on top of it....literally speaking in this case.
My typical day as a parent involves being woken up at the butt-crack-ass of dawn by having Matchbox cars wheeled up and down my forehead until my husband or myself are forced to get up and serve breakfast to our kids at 6.30am.
Then comes the frantic dash to school, followed by a full working day and then home to coerce our kids into doing their homework, force dinner down their throats and then scrape spaghetti from all of their orifices in the bathtub before getting them in a head-lock so that we can brush their teeth.
The next 45 minutes is usually spent going up and down the stairs giving them one more drink of water/kiss/bedtime story and only after we threaten to ban YouTube for the next 17 years, they finally pass out.
We then make our dinner and watch 15 minutes of Netflix before I look over and find my husband snoring like an asthmatic goat choking on a furball.
This was happening every day for months and months .No sex was to be had given that my husband was never conscious for more than 20 minutes after swallowing his dinner.
And having sex requires both parties to be conscious......legally speaking.
I felt that something had to change. So, I devised a plan to ensure that my husband and I both got fed and laid so that I could be assured that we will grow old, fat and happy together.
It's all about multi-tasking, and as mothers, we specialise in this field.
THE BASIC PLAN:
Factor your sex time into your meal-making schedule.
Put your kids in bed, stick on the oven and insert your dinner
Whilst your dinner is cooking, GO! GO! GO! Bump uglies!!!
THE FINER DETAILS:
After months of experimenting, I discovered that there was an abundance of processed food on the market with cooking times that greatly varied. So, depending on my levels of fatigue, I started to plan what we were having for dinner based on how long I intended to get frisky.
For your interest, here are the results:
WHEN YOU REALLY FEEL THE LURVE:
If you're feeling particularly energetic and horrendously horny, stick two of these 'Extra-Large Birdseye Fish Fillets' in your oven.
This will buy you and your partner 25 blissful minutes to dance the horizontal mambo. Hell, in 25 minutes, you could probably do it 4 times and have a few minutes left over to bleach the toilet.
When you're done, you'll have a lovely piece of processed fish waiting for you. Serve, eat and pass out in front of Netflix. Job done!
Your marriage stays on track!
It's worth knowing that a Goodfella's 'Fully Loaded Deep Pan' pizza also takes a whopping 25 minutes to cook. This gives you plenty of time to unload before you sit down to a delicious, calorific slab of processed heaven.
WHEN YOU'VE HAD A TAXING WEEK:
When energy levels aren't particularly high, stick some sausages in the oven, boil the kettle for a quick Bisto fix and get some 'Ultimate Potato Mash' from M&S.
Microwave on full power and this will give your husband 7 swift minutes to serve a different kind of sausage. Go ahead, mash it up!
NB. If you microwave it from frozen, you'll buy yourself an extra 3 minutes which means you can complete the filthy transaction and still have time to neck a Chardonnay.
Eat, Netflix, pass out. Job done.
Marriage is blossoming!
WHEN IT'S ALL TOO MUCH
The end of the working week is always exhausting. But, Friday night is the ultimate night to get down to business with your loved one and get the weekend off to a romantic start.
Thankfully, the folks over at McCain came up with 'Quick Cook French Fries' which take only 5 minutes to bake at 200 degrees.
Throw a steak in a pan, chips in the oven and have a super-fast slap and tickle. By the time you're done, you'll have a medium-well done steak and a plate of fries ready to eat before you pass out in front of the ten o'clock news.
The love will keep on growing alongside your waistline.
THE JACK-POT (NOODLE)
I have saved the best for last.
If you cannot face having sex after a long hard week, serve up one of these 'Bombay Bad Boys' for dinner.
Add boiling water, stir, and you'll only have to engage in 3 minutes with your very own 'bad boy' before your dinner is served.
So to sum up, planning your sex-life around your meals will ensure that you always make some time for each other....be it 25 minutes or 3 minutes. This is essential to sustaining a long, healthy relationship.
Tesco's are doing a deal on Pot Noodles this week. Two for a quid.
*bolts out the door to stock up*