How Clean Is Your House?

This week, we are off to the home of hard-working, mum-of-two, Katy.

Katy lives with her husband and two young sons in Wales and called the show as she was feeling in desperate need of some help to get her shithole of a house in order. 

Enter Kim and Aggie. Come on ladies, Katy really needs your help!

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THE KITCHEN:

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KIM: " Good LORD! Katy! What on Earth are all of these dirty dishes sprawled over your kitchen counter?? Gosh, the smell! It's just disgusting darling!"

AGGIE: " You have breakfast, lunch AND last night's dinner dishes here Katy! Congealed Weetabix, greasy pesto and half drunk cups of stale milk. The jumbo-sized sewer rats would have a field day in here!!! Why don't you use your dishwasher??"

KATY: " Ah, Aggie. I know. It's disgusting. But I was working yesterday and it was my husband's job to load the dishwasher. He doesn't seem to understand that the dishes only become clean if they are INSIDE the machine and not on top of it." 

KIM: "Say no more darling. Bloody useless".

THE DINING ROOM

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KIM: " Is THIS your dining table? Good GRIEF!!! What is all this junk? Where do you eat your meals?"

KATY: " I don't know what to say Kim. I've tried to tidy it up but the moment my back is turned, my kids lob bits of Play Doh everywhere and open up every board game that we own and chuck all the bits around them whilst swinging off the chairs like rage-infected monkeys at a Top Secret Government lab.

"So, to answer your question, we eat in the living room Kim- with our plates on our knees....like animals".

THE LIVING ROOM:

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AGGIE: "Katy, do you even have a floor underneath all of that junk? How can you stand it? It hurts my eyes!!"

KATY: "Ah, Aggie. If only you knew. My kids are alphabet enthusiasts. Every where they go, they spray alphabet to mark their territory....like dogs. 

I am just thankful that they use letters to do this and not their piss- although sadly,this has happened on occasion. The staff at Cheeky Charlies in Maidenhead can vouch for this...and the staff at M&S in Cardiff. And from the McDonalds in Luton."

KIM: "Disgusting darling!!"

KATY:" I know Kim. I know".

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AGGIE: "And what are all your lovely cushions doing on the floor Katy? Why aren't they on the sofa where they belong?"

KATY: " Ah, Aggie. I live in a house full of men and boys. I have yet to meet a member of the opposite sex that respects the sanctity of a woman's cushion display".

KIM: " You're right darling. Why don't they appreciate the beauty of the sight of  pretty, plumped-up cushions fanned out like a magnificent Peacock's tail? I just cannot understand it either my dear".

KATY: "You're telling me Kim."

THE TOILET

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AGGIE: "Now, aside from the horrendous sight of an empty toilet roll holder and the seat being left in an upright position Katy, I did some swab testing and sent the results off to our lab. The results that came back will shock you!"

"We found five different traces of urine on the floor, on the walls and even a splash on your ceiling!"

KATY: "I'm not shocked at all ,Aggie. That'll be the urine of my two boys, my husband, my Dad and my brother. We all know that the male species finds it difficult to aim and fire their weapons at close range"

"What shocks me the most isn't the piss on my ceiling Aggie, but the fact that such a large percentage of the British Armed Forces are male. If these guys can't aim a penis at a toilet bowl with success then I am terrified as to what happens when they have a gun in their hands".

"Our National Security hangs in the balance!"

AGGIE: "Good point Katy. It really is quite terrifying!"

KIM: "Do you know what Darling, it really is quite hopeless. There's nothing that can be done here. Let's ditch the rubber gloves my dear and go and get shitfaced!"

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KIM: "There, there, my dear. Let it all out. Let it all out".