A Blog About All The Different Types Of Ass.

It's been my lifelong dream to write a book. 

As a child, I wanted to be a nun after watching 'The Sound Of Music' but the novelty quickly wore off when I realised that I wouldn't be able to wear lipstick or kiss Phillip Schofield. Then I wanted to be a vet, but after watching James Herriot stick his full arm up a cow's rectum in a particularly graphic episode of 'All Creatures Great and Small',  I soon changed my mind.

Being an author however, is a dream that has always stayed with me and I have thought long and hard about what sort of book I would like to write.

I recently attended the Britmum's Live Conference in London and watched an amazing session in which a world-class author by the name of Joanna Penn advised us to 'write a book that people will actually want to read'. It was practical and thought-provoking advice. 

So I reflected on what Joanna had said. I asked myself: What book do I know of that is incredibly popular? Which book in existence has really stood the test of time?

My first thought?  The Bible....but there's no way that I could compete with that. My next thought?....

The dictionary

Yes!! The dictionary has to be one of the most popular books parked on the shelves of the multitudes and I realised that if I wanted to be a success, I needed to take inspiration from this, develop it and then make my fortune!

My genius idea was born.

I've decided to write a dictionary- not just any dictionary but one with pictures in it- a 'Pictured Dictionary' if you will.

It shall not only give the meaning and the pronunciation of a word, but it will also provide a picture so that people all over the world will get a full understanding of the words that they seek to define. It will be internationally recognised...a multilingual best seller!!

I have thought of the most amazing and unique title ever for it. I shall call it....

The Pictionary.

Below is an example of what my Pictionary would entail. I have used one of my favorite and most used words in my vocabulary to showcase my book idea.

The word: ASS 


[ Ass-end]

Definition:(verb) To move, climb, or go upward, mount, rise

Example: The child's ass ascended into the air at 6.32pm sharp every evening so that his mother could wipe it for him. The ascending aroma was usually so vile that his mother's dinner would ascend up her oesophagus.


[ Ass- tyoot]

Definition: [adj] Clever, cunning, ingenious, shrewd.

Example: The astute toddler knew that if he spent ages rolling his bread into balls and lining them up on the table, his mother would eventually lose patience and stop trying to spoon feed him petit pois and cauliflower.



Definition: (Noun) A wise guy, a know-it-all

Example: Mum served spaghetti bolognese to her vegetable-hating kids who lapped it up without hesitation. In truth, Mum was such a smartass that she had actually blitzed two courgettes, four carrots and a red pepper in her new NUTRiBULLET and had hidden them in the bolognese sauce. Some might say that Mum was a genius [jeeny-ass]



[Duhm- as]

Definition: (Noun) A thoroughly stupid person.

Example: Despite having a degree, a Postgraduate Diploma and 35 years of life experience, Mum still struggled to cook a meal for her children that wasn't totally chargrilled. She really was quite the dumbass




Definition: (noun) A stupid, mean or contemptible person.

Example: The icecream man would deliberately park his van directly outside the school gates every single day so that hundreds of exhausted children would have mammoth tantrums until their parents gave in and bought them an overpriced dollop of frozen cream with a chocolate stick in it.

The icecream man was without a doubt the biggest asshole in the village.

Copies of the Pictionary will be available from all major retailers from January 2017.

Everything Mummy