"in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."
—Benjamin Franklin, in a letter to Jean-Baptiste Leroy, 1789
Benjamin Franklin said this in 1789 and I, Carry On Katy, am going to disagree with him on this fine day in 2015. Sorry Benny but you are wrong. In my experience, there are plenty of things in life that are as certain, if not more so,than death and taxes. Here are twenty absolute certainties in fact:
1. If my husband tells me that he has had only one pint, it is certain that he has had at least 3.
2. If I have both my kids dressed and ready for school, it is certain that the second my foot steps out of the door, my toddler will produce a fresh poo. Certain I tell you.
3. On the first day of a diet, it is certain that I will eat porridge for breakfast, salad for lunch and then end up hoovering up all of the kid's leftovers at dinner time. I will undoubtedly succumb to a massive lasagne an hour later and wash it down with a pint of wine and a bag of Malteasers. It is certain that I will feel guilty and even more certain that I will promise to start over again...but not until the following Monday.
4. My 5 yr old will definitely NOT need a wee before leaving the house but it is CERTAIN that he will announce his absolute desperate need to go 20 minutes later when stuck in a huge jam on the M25 miles from any toilet. Happens every time, Benny. Every single time.
5. If it is payday and I feel like treating myself, it is certain that I will not find a single thing that I would like to buy. Equally, I will see hundreds of desirable items when I am totally skint. This is why I'm still wearing my maternity clothes three years after giving birth (also due to excessive lasagne/Malteasers consumption and severe lack of will power)
6. It is certain that my kids will wail with the talent of Hollywood actress when I use Johnson's 'No more tears' shampoo. Never have more tears been shed then when exposed to this toxic yellow falsely-advertised slime.
7. If granted the rare opportunity to spend an evening away from my kids with my husband, it is certain that I will get my period. It will most likely be one of those toe-curling periods that render me folded in half sobbing into a pillow whilst snorting up ibuprofen (and Malteasers) . The hideous symptoms will disappear the second I step foot back in the house to resume my regular role as a working mother.
8. If I buy an umbrella, a box of 50 blue biros and a bag of hair bands, it is certain that I will lose all of them within a week.
9. If I come into to an extra bit of money, it is certain that this will be the day that the exhaust falls off the car and the microwave spontaneously explodes.
10. The day I run out of shampoo will always be the day that I run out of deodorant, toothpaste, conditioner, mascara, lipstick and foundation. Everything ALWAYS needs replacing at once. Every damn time, Benny. Every damn time.
11. If the Tesco delivery guy is due between 5 and 7pm, he will always arrive at 6.58pm just when my kids are screaming in the bath as toxic yellow slime trickles down their foreheads towards their eyes. If I am out and make it back just 5 minutes after 5pm, it is certain that the Tesco man has already been and gone and I am left without milk for the kid's bedtime bottle.
12. If I shave my legs, my husband is certain to fall asleep on the sofa at 8.30pm. If I am hairier than a wild baboon, that'll be the day he is feeling frisky and tries to jump me in the kitchen.
13. If I have a really important day at work and need to be focused, I can guarantee that both my kids will be up all night the night before. They'll end up in my bed and I'll spend the night getting kicked in the guts and punched in the face. The next day, I will be so exhausted that I will be unable to remember my name or even speak English and will head to work sporting a black eye.
14. If I decide to have a much needed early night, it is certain that I will go to bed at 10pm and fall asleep at 1am after spending 3 hours in bed playing Criminal Case and reading random blogs on Facebook which start with the title '10 Things that..' '8 People Who...' or '21 Uses For...'.For what Benny? For what? I just have to know!!! That much is certain.
15. If we are going on a journey to somewhere new, it is certain that my husband will ignore the sat nav as he always knows a quicker route. We will always arrive at our destination an hour later than planned and several new curse words will have been added to my husband's (and my children's) vocabulary.
16. If my toddler has been constipated for 3 days, it is certain that the moment he steps on the trampoline, the backlog of his bowels will be unleashed. What would have been a mediocre offering will inevitably end up the size of a dinner plate that has to be peeled off his backside and disposed of by yours truly. Damn gravity!! You can't beat Science Benny. That's a FACT!
17. If you appear as the last act in a semi-final of Britain's Got Talent, it is CERTAIN that you will be in the final. Equally if you appear as the last act in the final, it is CERTAIN that you are the winner. It happens every time. Simon Cowell's shows are nothing if not 100% predictable.
In 200 years time, I hope that this quote will be more famous than Benny's:
" in this world there is nothing can said to be certain, except death and taxes, the predictability of Simon Cowell's tv productions and the inconvenience of children's bowel habits"
Carry On Katy in a blog post- 2015