Snoring: How to Cure It And Save Your Relationship

 

It's the classic formula of every great romantic piece of literature and every Hollywood romcom:

 Man meets woman

They fall madly in love

BUT,

... there's an obstacle.....

...and it's usually something pretty huge that needs to be overcome in order to achieve a 'happy ever after' ending. 

For Romeo and Juliet, it was their conflicting families that stood in their way. For Princess Leia and Hans Solo, a whole empire had to be taken down before they could be together. 

Snow White had to eat a poisonous apple, Sleeping Beauty had to kip in an uncomfortable glass box for a hundred years and Belle had to embrace her repulsion of beastiality and engage in a heartfelt snog with the vicious, hairy Beast before she could bask in the glory of true love.

For my husband and I, it was snoring.

I, or rather we, had to overcome my husband's snoring that threatened to tear us apart and destroy the chance of us ever having our Hollywood ending.

You see, my Prince was (and still is) a fully-functioning, 'Grade A' ,world champion snorer. In the early days of our relationship, I'd often lie awake stroking his beautiful face as he slept thinking 'Oh how handsome you are.'

But after several minutes, his mouth would drop open and a hideous sound would explode into the atmosphere: an aggressive, guttural wail like an asthmatic rhino operating a power drill.

The desire to change my stroke of his face into a slap of his face became overwhelming.

Something had to be done or we weren't going to make it. Like Romeo and Juliet, our tale would end in tragedy

He needed to take action to win my heart forever.

So, my man, the true romantic hero, said he was prepared to go to any lengths to save our relationship.

He did the following:

SACRIFICE HIS RAW SEXUAL MAGNITUDE.

 First, he sacrificed his natural raw sex appeal by sticking a giant nasal strip over the offending area.

And just like that, his rugged good looks were no more. 

He looked like a prat and sounded...well, just the same as he did every other night. 

It didn't work.

The incessant wails were louder than ever as it transpired that when he woke in the morning, the '100% effective' plastic strip was nowhere to be seen. 

It had vanished!!

We searched all over for it and it wasn't until later that morning that the sticky strip was finally located.

A miserable fail. Next he tried:

TORTURE

My brave man opted to pay top dollar to have dozens of needles stuck into his head in a bid to cure the problem. Professionals refer to this as 'acupuncture' but I learnt that is just a fancy term for 'human pin cushion'.

Having suffered years of trauma from accidentally watching my teenage brother's crack copy of  'Hellraiser' as a child, I realised that I just couldn't let my man suffer in this way.

The grotesque image of his pale pinhead would haunt my dreams forever and I decided that I'd rather be kept awake by his snoring than seeing this image every time I closed my eyes at night.

So, next he tried:

POISON...

...or what society refers to as 'Alternative Chinese Remedies'.

Night after night he'd boil bags full of pungent herbs and force the smelly potion down his gullet whilst resisting the urge to vomit.

The acrid stench smelt like a sewer worker's socks and consuming litres of it gave my man a permanent green complexion and farts that could make a badger weep.

The Chinese herbs had to go...the emotional stability of the badger community depended on it.

In the end, when all options had been exhausted and when morale was particularly low , I stumbled across the perfect solution to the problem:

A SWIFT KICK TO THE SHINS!!

Yes! That was it! That's what did the trick!  

A comparatively much less painful solution to the problem was just a swift kick to the shins with my size 8 unmoisturised feet.

The snoring stopped immediately!!

True love was able to blossom and a happy marriage and two beautiful children followed.

And we both slept soundly in our bed and will, in all likelihood, live happily ever after.

THE END.