We all know how it goes.
It's 3.02am. We are sleeping soundly in our beds as most normal humans do at this hour.
Then, out of nowhere, comes the almighty crash .
We bolt upright our beds. The door is wide open, almost hanging from the hinges and lurking in the doorway is a small silhouette.
Right on schedule.
We slink back under the duvet and pretend that we haven't seen them. But they know that we have. They scamper around to our side of the bed, hoist themselves up and clamber over our limp bodies...kicking us in the face as they do so.
They pull our pillows out from under our heads and park themselves down for the night.
Seconds later, they are snoring.
And kicking, punching, pinching and squeezing.
They rip our hairs clean out from the roots. They poke us in the eyes. They stick their tiny fingers in our mouths and scratch our gums.
Sometimes they want to chat.
Sometimes the little punks actually sing.
And sometimes, on truly special occasions, they bring their entire collection of Ninja Turtle figurines into our beds, line them all up under the duvet and then walk them across our foreheads as we 'sleep'.
Every night the same thing happens and we no longer even try to stop it.
We've done the 'back-to-their-own-room dance' many times and it didn't work. We've tried the Gro-Clock, the sticker chart, extreme Googling and all of the trimmings...and nothing.
Nothing has worked
We've surrendered and have accepted that this is how it will be- for now atleast. We live in hope that they will eventually stay in their own beds. I mean, how long can it possibly go on for?
Not forever! Surely????
But last night at 3.32 am, as Michaelangelo and Donatello were having a full blown ninja fight on my chin, I came to the realisation that having a small human in my bed wasn't such a terrible thing after all.
Yes I'm tired, and I probably always will be, but I've decided that having a toddler in my bed every night does come with a few perks.
If you are struggling to see the positive points, then here they are, all for you:
Having a 32lb human lying on your head is a great way to block out any disruptive noises in the middle of the night.
A leaky tap, a cranky radiator, the next door neighbour's passion for Megadeth or a partner that snores like an old asthmatic rhino will NOT disturb you.
If you're a light sleeper and earplugs aren't quite cutting it, just let a human sleep on your head.
It really does work.
RELIABLE ALARM CLOCK
No longer will you have to worry about your alarm clock battery dying or over-hitting the snooze button so that you don't get up on time for work. Having a co-sleeper means that you are always awake at 3.02am.
Your co-sleeper is more reliable than any battery-operated alarm available on the market.
If you're up at 3.02am then that leaves plenty of time to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and even lunch before leaving the house at 8.30am. This way, you're eating your dinner at 2pm and wine o'clock can justifiably be brought forward. #MegaPerk
Furthermore, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, but there is no alarm clock in existence that can sit on your chest, restrict your ability to breath oxygen, and smash a packet of Walker's Worcester Sauce Crisps against your face until you wake up.
RESILIENCE TO VIOLENCE
Thanks to my co-sleeper, I've developed a pretty strong resilience to violence over the years.
Nothing phases me anymore.
I can take a beating. I can survive being suffocated by a pair of size 6 feet. I have learnt how to expertly cover up a black eye (thanks Estee Lauder) and I can tolerate having a fleet of Matchbox trucks rolled up and down my spinal chord.
Should I ever find myself in the centre of a hostile situation, I'm pretty sure that I'd be able to handle it. And so could you.
All thanks to our co-sleepers.
THE PERFECT EXCUSE
Yes!! Finally there is the perfect excuse to take a break from the incredibly exciting sex life that we have obviously maintained since having children. Because nothing grinds your sex life to a halt quite like having a toddler in your bed.
You and your partner can finally have a well-deserved rest and can now devote your evenings and potentially the rest of your marital life to doing other equally-satisfying activities...like reading a book about Christian Grey cracking his leather whip all over the place.
Tonight, your whip will stay in its drawer.
And there it will stay.
So, I think you'll agree that there are definite advantages to sharing your bed with a child against your will.
Of course, if the idea of being beaten to a pulp by your child doesn't particularly appeal to you, then you could always sidestep this issue by wearing protection.