1. You will swear at inanimate objects. Sellotape will take the brunt of your frustrations. Next in line will be the wrapping paper.
Frankly, they have it coming. They are both assholes.
2. You will have to make a last-minute stop to a major supermarket to restock all of the Christmas booze and chocolates. You bought them last month on special offer and they have mysteriously vanished. This, you swear, will be the last time you step foot in Asda....until December the 26th.
NB. The Marks and Spencers at Leigh Delamere services is open on Christmas Day...y'know...for emergencies.
3. On Christmas Eve, ten minutes before the shops close, the streets of every major town and city will be filled with shit-faced husbands and boyfriends buying up bags full of gifts for the precious ladies in their lives.
They've had all year to do it, but this is the day they choose to get it done.
Expect a bag of crap that you'll never use from Boots (3 for 2 is a tempting deal for any man who has spent most of the day in the pub)
4. You will eat an After Eight dinner mint and put the empty envelope back in the box.
You know it's wrong, but the effort required to make it to the bin may result in your gut bursting out of your Asda's sequenced top.
5. For the wiser members of society, Christmas Eve will be spent building toys and inserting batteries ready for their children to open and play with the next day.
For the rest of us, Christmas morning will be spent trying to interpret complex instruction manuals and wield screwdrivers in the air whilst our brains are still stewing in the gallons of festive cheer (prosecco, gin, brandy and vodka) that we consumed the night before.
6. As is the case every damn year, your children will be delighted with their new presents from 'Santa'.
The box in particular will always get the very best of their attention.
7. You will spend hours hacking through 48 pieces of taut plastic, metal and industrial-strength tape just to remove each and every one of your child's presents from their boxes. Breaking out of Alcatraz would have been easier.
You will use several pairs of scissors, a tool kit and the most colourful language you know whilst your child hovers over you screaming like an Army Commander at a new recruit.
8. Because of point 7, you'll welcome a festive tipple at 11am on Christmas Day...perhaps starting with a gentle Snowball or a Bucks Fizz.
You'll be breaking into the hard liquor by 3pm...the essential trimming to every turkey dinner.
9. A family member will always pass comment on the turkey:
"I'm not usually that keen on turkey", they will say," but this one is really delicious. It's so moist" as they pour a litre of Bisto over the top of it just so they are able to get it down...and keep it down.
10. "These brussel sprouts are wonderful!!", an elderly relative will say.
Yes they are, but only because they have been smothered in garlic and have had 2lbs of fried crispy bacon thrown on top of them just to disguise the fact that they taste of human guff.
If it wasn't for the likes of Jamie Oliver, brussel sprouts would be used solely for pig fodder. This guy could make an Ostrich stool taste good.
11. Without realising it, you will spend the day being slowly poisoned by a thick cloud of methane that will hang heavily in the air over your Christmas cracker paper hats.
This is all thanks to the brussel sprouts and it's another reason why they are only consumed once a year.
12. If you're a man, it is 100% guaranteed that you will receive socks and slippers for Christmas because no one has a clue what else to buy for you.
13.You will be seduced by a glass of Baileys. She is creamy, luxurious and delicious...a cake in a glass in fact!!
You will not be able to turn her down and you won't realise the power of her venom until the following morning when you feel like you've done 15 rounds with Mike Tyson.
This is why this wicked temptress only comes out once a year. She's the bringer of the Nightmare after Christmas.
14. You will put on the Queen's speech at exactly 3pm every year...and not listen to a word she says as you'll be distracted by the cheese board.
15. Someone will always slag off the blue cheese that is brought out after the pudding.
Yes it smells of feet and fungal toenails and yes, if you eat it, chances are you'll probably be ruling out having sex for the rest of the day/week.
Knowing this, you eat a block of the stuff and collapse back on the recliner for an uninterrupted snooze. Sex will resume in the New Year....perhaps.
16. And lastly, you will feel intense shame when leaving your recycling bin out to be collected.
You may even consider spreading the load over a few weeks....just to stop the neighbours from judging you.
Happy Christmas everyone!!!
Watch out for that Baileys!!