I'm an educated woman.
I breezed through Primary and Junior School and survived Comprehensive School (and having a Beef and Tomato Pot Noodle thrown down the back of my new M&S school coat by Jamie Lawson) .
I then made it through five intensive years of training at an elite music academy where crystal chandeliers dangled from the ceilings and trainee-concert pianists stabbed people in the backs of their hands with pencils so that they could steal their practice rooms.
It's true that over the 20 years of my education, I have learnt valuable lessons.
But nothing comes close to the vital lessons that I learnt from spending a weekend in a caravan in Devon with my husband and two kids.
Here's the life-changing lessons I want to share:
KEEP YOUR ENEMIES FAR AND YOUR FAMILY FARTHER.
It's only when spending a weekend with your family in a cramped metal box with cardboard walls that one learns the importance of personal space- and the significance of having windows which open.
The percussive plops of your husband defecating will ricochet off the tin walls and you'll be reaching for the TV remote control to drown out the ghastly sound in a bid to salvage any romance that is left in your marriage.
Furthermore, I learnt that there's no better time than whilst on a camping holiday to ban ALL vegetable consumption.
Clog your kids up with bread and crisps because if you force the Baked Beans and cabbage down them, you'll undoubtedly lose your deposit after you smash the windows open with a frying pan in a desperate attempt to de-guff the cabin.
ALWAYS BE PREPARED.
The Boy Scouts had this one locked down.
It's a shame I was born a girl and never had the chance to become a Scout or else I may have learnt the importance of preparation. .
You see, a former Boy Scout would have taken the time to pack suitable swimwear. He wouldn't have just lobbed a bikini (circa 2009) into his bag. He would have checked that his costume was sufficiently big enough to cover the ass, thighs and bosoms that had boarded the mother ship since birthing a child back in 2009.
He also would have foreseen that his toddler would want to spend the entire pool session standing in 6 inches of shallow water...screaming like a hyena on helium if he was to try and take him into deeper waters where he could hide himself.
He therefore wouldn't have upset onlookers by exposing them to views of the human anatomy that are usually reserved for those over 18.
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, DON'T TRY AGAIN
If JK Rowling had accepted her first rejection, then the glorious Harry Potter franchise that we all adore would never have been.
If Neil Armstrong had succumbed to a fear of big open spaces, then he would never have walked on the moon.
Yes. In some circumstances, it is true that we must never give up when life throws obstacles in our way.
But when it comes to the 2p slot machines, you CAN'T succeed!! We must accept defeat. We must deny our desires to win as it just isn't possible.
If we don't deny ourselves, then we will leave the campsite totally bankrupt and will be forced to eat from street bins and/or sell our organs on the black market to pay our mortgage.
I know it's upsetting but please don't succeed.
DON'T TRY AGAIN!!!
MIRACLES DO HAPPEN.
We live in a tough old world. Turning on the news these days is not something that one should do lightly as we are met with reports of war, violence, death and tragedy. It all seems so hopeless and we inevitably end up losing faith that good things can happen.
But, thanks to my caravan holiday, I realise that good things do exist!!
Behold, a fully-functional soft play facility INSIDE an actual pub!
Yes, that's right. Miracles do happen!!
YOUR LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK:
Everyone has their secrets.
Indeed, some things are best kept behind closed doors.
So, I learnt that if you want to keep your secrets behind closed doors, DO NOT leave your bag of rubbish outside the caravan door.
Because some asshole will be waiting in the wings ready to expose your secrets to the world!
They'll show everyone that you've been feasting on five flavours of Pot Noodle, devouring maxi bags of Walkers crisps and washing them all down with pints of Prosecco and cans of Strongbow.
They'll lay it all out on the floor for the world to see: A glorious display of your poor life choices decorating the public footpath.
And the asshole responsible will always have great satisfaction in knowing that he has destroyed your reputation.
THE GRASS IS NEVER GREENER.
And finally, when taking time out from your regular life, one is often granted the opportunity to reflect on their situation.
We ask ourselves 'Am I happy?', 'Have I achieved all that I wanted to or am I selling myself short?' 'Do I like my job?' 'Could I do better?'
And then you realise that no matter how difficult/tedious/complicated your life is, there is always someone who has it worse than you do.
Getting dressed up as a giant purple dog whilst having 200 kids scream in your face, tug on your fluffy arms and headbutt you in the guts as you dance along to 'The Okey Cokey' is far worse than anything you will ever have to endure on a daily basis.
He may project the image of happiness, but believe me, this poor fella is crying a river inside his over-heating, fluffy, dog-shaped jumpsuit.
Be thankful for what you have. You're very lucky.
Poor old Dennis The Dancing Dog just isn't.
The MUMSNET blogging awards are approaching and this year they have a 'Best COMIC Writer' Category. I would LOVE your vote and it only takes seconds (promise)
Here is the link http://www.mumsnet.com/events/blogging-awards/2016?BFHP
Those who vote will find that their children will sleep all night in their beds and will also eat all of their vegetables. This is a PROMISE!!!