The rules of life can be confusing at times.
For example, the act of indecently exposing oneself in this country is a criminal offence which can be punishable with a hefty fine or even a 2 year stint in jail!
However, and this is where I get confused, this law only seems to apply to fifty weeks of the year. This is because during the remaining 2 weeks when we go on holiday, we feel obliged to break this law by stripping off and indecently exposing ourselves to strangers around pools and on the beaches!!
How does this make sense? Is exposing oneself indecent or not?
How can it be both illegal and compulsory to strip?
Shopping for swimwear has never been fun for me, but since having kids, finding a costume that enables me to commit the act of indecent exposure in the most decent way possible is no easy feat.
Frankly, I've already brought two kids into this world which in itself required the most indecent of exposure, so forgive me if I am no longer prepared to flash my most intimate parts to a crowd of strangers on a beach in the Costa Del Sol.
Having already been on my annual holiday, I thought I'd share my findings when I went out shopping for a decent swimsuit a few weeks ago. Hopefully, this will spare other like-minded women from experiencing the same trauma that I did.
However, I must warn you that this blog contains graphic and offensive images so if you are eating your dinner right now, you might want to look away.
Truthfully, I just wanted what all women desire from a basic swimming costume; something pretty to hide my lumps and bumps, something supportive to hoist up my low-hanging chest and something which guaranteed to make me look two stone lighter. I mean, was that too much to ask?
Well, yes it was. I hit the shops and immediatey discovered that they were filled with the classic:
ITSY BITSY TEENIE WEENIE YELLOW POLKA DOT- BIKINI
So popular that it even had a hit song written about it, the 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie' bikini is not designed for those of us who are in possession of more than an egg cup's worth of breast tissue.
Despite this popular style of bikini being widely available in sizes 6 to 20, I can assure you that two triangular slithers of colourful lycra dangling off a string ain't going to restrain your breast tissue and/or gut rolls from leaping out and hitting someone in the face when catching an inflatable ball on the beach.
To quote the hit song:
' She was afraid to come out of the locker,
She was as nervous as she could be,
She was afraid to come out of the locker
She was afraid that somebody would see'
Yeah, no shit. I was afraid. But not only afraid that someone would see, but afraid that I would cause a serious injury another holiday maker if I dared to jump around in this bad boy in public. Grievous Bodily Harm is yet another crime which is punishable with jail time after all.
Unless you want to add GBH to your flourishing criminal record, I suggest that ladies with more than an A cup stay away from this style of bikini.
It is also worth mentioning that this bikini is unsuitable for anyone who is in possession of an ass that is even slightly larger than that of the average 8 year old.
In metaphorical terms, if your ass is the size of a football pitch, then these accompanying pants are designed to cover the surface area of an NCP parking space by comparison.
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT BIKINI
This was an equally popular style of bikini that I found in abundance dangling on the racks of many high street shops. The 'Butterfly Effect Bikini' is essentially a hairband which you clasp around your breast tissue and then secure around your neck for 'extra support' ( yes, laughable I know)
And the result?
Your breast tissue fans out like a not-so-beautiful butterfly and flaps around effortlessly in the air as nature intended.
Having jumped up and down in the changing room for a mere 5 seconds, I knew instantly that if I wore this bikini on holiday I would knock myself out within five minutes flat.
Concussion is no joke when on foreign shores and unless you have GCSE Spanish to enable you to converse with an A&E doctor in the Costa Del Sol, I suggest that you steer clear of this wildly unsupportive style.
Sometimes, we musn't enable nature to do what it intends, unless we have adequate travel insurance to cover the fall out (literally speaking)
Next, I found:
Made famous by Sacha Baron Cohen in the movie 'Borat', the Mankini-style costume is available not just for men but for ladies too.
Having decided that a regular bikini wasn't suitable for consolidating my assets as it were, I decided to try on this one- piece swimsuit which would hopefully offer a greater level of support whilst still making me feel vaguely attractive.
But no. It was no good.
The costume only just about covered my Napoleons* and the remainder of my boobs darted out the sides like they were trying to flee a crime scene. And so they should, because there was indeed a crime of the most horrid being committed here in this M&S changing room.
*'Napoleans' is the word that I am using in this blog to describe the the pink circular bits that appear on the tips of all knockers. I decided to use this word as I am respectable and cannot possibly be the mother who openly writes about nipples on the internet.
THE ONE-CUP-SIZE-FITS ALL TWO PIECE
I thought this would be the one. It had everything that the average woman would want; excellent coverage of the midriff and buttocks, pads for support and a much-loved underwire to prevent my knockers from knocking anyone out!!
However, despite trying on the size 14-16, it seemed that the miniscule cup holders were insufficient to hold my hefty hooters in place.
The cups ranneth NOT over, but UNDER the wire and added an extra 8 inches to my waist line. Not ideal in the slightest!!
Next, I was quite excited when I discovered:
THE SWIM DRESS
Now, this sounded much more up my street.
Designed for ladies like myself who are terrified of the very word 'swimsuit', the shelves are currently stocked to the brim with what retailers are calling the 'Swim Dress'. I think I and most women for that matter are definitely more comfortable with the idea of a dress. A dress is after all, something that we put on to feel special; a wedding dress or a cocktail dress for example are garments that we actually look forward to wearing.
So, wearing a dress to the beach sounded like a much more appealing option. Perhaps I could feel attractive after all when scantily clad in front of the eyes of strangers.
But no. No joy.
Sure, the dress covered up my Napoleans, secured my unsightly rolls of flab and covered my football pitch-esque butt cheeks, but I looked like an extra from Sesame Street.
I was pretty sure that if I wore this in front of my husband then I would be hammering the last nail into the coffin of what was left of our sex life since having our kids.
No man can possibly desire a woman who is dressed up like a Christmas Tree decoration ( except perhaps Santa...at a push)
Holidays are the time when we are supposed to reconnect with our partners, not repulse them and drive them towards the nearest divorce lawyer.
Alas, after trawling all ends of the High Street for hours and hours, I came home empty handed. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to wear a bin bag on holiday knowing that this would be the only thing that would offer adequate coverage and keep my criminal record clean.
But great news!!! The following week, by total accident, I found the answer to my problem. The answer was in the one place where I spend more time than I do when hiding from my kids in the downstairs toilet with a bag of Doritos:
Yep. Good old GEORGE came through for me in the end with his extra supportive, slightly ruffled, lightly patterned, wildy- slimming, dark swimsuit which disguised the rolls, covered the ass and held the hooters firmly in place.
I would finally feel free to burst into a spontaneous sprint down the beach after my 6 year old without fear of hurting anyone!!! And it was only £12.50!!!
Bravo GEORGE!!! Finally a fella who understands what a woman wants!!
So ladies, if like me you are struggling to find a swimsuit that makes you feel nice, get down to your local Asda and go nuts.
I have never felt so decently indecent wearing this bad boy and I am pleased to report that my criminal record remains sparkling and clean!!