It's my birthday soon. Sigh.
This morning I glanced in the mirror and noticed yet another roll of skin had descended over the top of my Primark full briefs- the flimsy elastic had given up the fight and had surrendered and drowned under an avalanche of flab...a 'flabalanche' if you will. I also noticed that despite my son being three years old, I was still wearing my maternity leggings. Shameful I know.
Enough was enough. I decided that I want to make some changes. I am fed up of giant pants, maternity leggings and baggy jumpers that hide my flabalanche. I want look good in lacy thongs, Lycra leotards and Ann Summer's corsets!. I am also tired of being tired all the time. It's exhausting! I want to have the energy of a highly-caffeinated Cheerleader on a pogo stick. I want to be able to dance the full routine to Beyoncés 'Ring On It' without knocking over my toddler dance partner with my uncontrollable swinging ass fat.
So, I decided that I shall make my 35th year the year that I get FIT!! I need to put down the Big Macs, start eating the carrot batons and to start doing some proper exercise. But what exercise should I choose? Physical exertion has never really been my thing. I only ever run if I want to make last orders at the pub. Weight- lifting for me is hoisting multiple pints of Peroni in fancy glasses up to my lips. Sit Ups ? Well, the only time my waist is ever folded upwards towards my legs is when I pull up the glorious lever on my new reclining chair. Shameful. I know.
I needed inspiration so I decided to go online and do some research as to which exercise would suit my busy lifestyle and also burn the most calories so that I could slim down a dress size and put a stop to my giant full briefs cowering in fear of my fleshy folds.
I found this wonderful website. Here's the link:
I filled in all of the boxes as required (which was a gruelling 'exercise' in itself) and it told me that I'd have to do 'rigourous ' push-ups and press-ups for a whopping 59 MINUTES in order to burn off the 549 calories in a mighty Big Mac. Quelle surprise!
This just wouldn't do! I know that I can lift a 45lb 5 yr old on and off a swing several times in 4 minutes but I don't think I could lift my own body up and down for 59 straight minutes- even if someone was holding the mighty Big Mac in front my sweaty face for motivation. There had to be a better way. So I investigated further and skimmed down the list of 'activities' listed and stumbled upon two GLORIOUS words:
YES!! Child care was listed as being an actual bona fide calorie-burning 'activity'. Joy! I already do a LOT of that as it happens! So, I readjusted the boxes and it told me that if I was to continue to care for my own kids for 10 hours per day, I am burning off a WHOPPING...
I sat in shock! I am clearly the most active person I know!
I thought about it some more. Supposing this 2082 calories that I burn off is just for one child? Well, I am a mother of TWO- So that's 4164 calories that I am burning in a ten hour period.EVERY DAY!!
Scrolling down the list, I saw several other 'activities' that I do regularly:
1. CLEANING: I'm never not cleaning. My kids are animals. As is my husband.
2. WEIGHT-LIFTING: Lifting my 38lb 3 yr and carrying him for 20 minutes because he refuses to walk. Happens ALL the time.
3. GYMNASTICS: Being a regular attendee of Soft Play, contorting myself into a ball and swinging around a pole to rescue my child from the top of the climbing frame is a weekly activity.
4. RUNNING :How else to you catch a defiant 3 yr old from running out in front of an oncoming vehicle? You chase them. And I'll do this EVERY day until he learns the word 'STOP'
5. DANCING: Every night after bathtime, we do a 'Let's dry off dance'. It's a standard part of my kid's bedtime routine. Dogs shake themselves to dry off after a bath- so do my kids.And I am the choreographer.
6. PLAYING AN INSTRUMENT: As it happens, I'm a Professional Musician and I play one of the biggest instruments of all: the cello. Not only do I play it but I also drag the damn thing up and down the country.A major calorie burner!
I sat in shock.
I am virtually an ATHLETE.
I wondered why then, if I am burning thousands upon thousands of calories every day, why I am not totally emaciated?!
And then I realised:
If it wasn't the Big Macs, the curries, that one extra poppadom, the litres of Pinot, the Krispy Kremes, finishing off the kids fish fingers, finishing off their spag bol- their sandwiches and their potato waffles then I'd probably be DEAD by now! If I had eaten celery sticks, carrot batons, grains and pulses and kept within the 2,000 calorie allowance for a woman of my build, then I would have wasted away to nothing! I'd have been putting less into my body than I was using, just to look after my kids.
Lifting kids out of swings and bathtubs, wrestling toddlers into their pushchairs, lunging to pick up bits of Lego off the floor, doing the 'Gangnam Style' routine every night to try and wear the buggers out, folding mountains of washing and then putting them into ten different drawers, hoovering , mopping, wiping, being a dinosaur, being Frankenstein- a hilarious clown or a ferocious porcupine....ALL of these things burn THOUSANDS of calories. Who knew?
So I need calories if I am going to continue to maintain this intense exercise regime that is parenting. And 2000 a day just ain't gonna cut it....the website said so. To be the best parent I can be, it's gonna take more than a bag of carrot batons and some bulgar wheat. I need the Big Mac.
So, dear Mac, beautiful burly Big Mac...I want to thank thee. If it wasn't for you, I now realise that I'd be a shrivelled corpse and my kids would be left to suffer their father's cooking for the rest of their lives. I shall continue to eat you...not for me, but for my kids. The children after all, are our future.
Plus, no one looks good in Ann Summer's corsets anyway.
Vote for me!!! I'll be ever so merry!xx