It's almost Summertime and this can mean only one thing:
It's time to start stripping.
It's time to cast aside the duffle coats and the Ugg boots and dig out the bin bag full of vest tops, shorts and mini skirts from the back of the wardrobe. It's time to locate the dreaded bikini and wipe the mildew off the flip flops. It's time to expose the pale goose-bumped bingo wings, the blotchy white, pink and purple C.B.L's (corned-beef legs) and the hideously hairy toes to the world!!
Like most women, I have the classic fear of exposing my pale fleshy folds in my bikini this Summer but aside from this, I have an even bigger and more humiliating body part that I dread to reveal to the general public.
My great big feet.
My feet are size 8. They're also totally flat and they have bunions (which basically means that I look like I've swallowed two whole pickled onions and they have travelled unscathed through my digestive system and have permanently set up camp at the side of my big toes).
And the word 'big' is an understatement when describing my toes. My toes are so long that I'm certain that I could play a Mozart piano sonata with them.
However, they say 'big is beautiful' and in the spirit of being positive, I've decided to embrace my giant feet and look for the beauty within. These babies have kept me upright for 36 years and they have got me from A to B....and have overlapped into E in fact.
They deserve to be celebrated for their efforts and so I have decided to dedicate a post to them.
Here is a celebratory list of why it's great to have massive plates of meat:
1. I RARELY FALL DOWN
I could down a whole bottle of vodka and place myself in the centre of a tornado and I will not fall down.
Whilst the dainty sized 5 members of society would be swept up to the heavens in their pretty strappy sandals, I would be the one rooted to the floor in my giant orthopedic flip flops like a mighty oak tree.
2. I GET MORE FOR MY MONEY
When I purchase a size 8 shoe, I'm getting a third more of a shoe for the same price as a lady buying the size 5 version. That's a third more sheepskin on an Ugg Boot and a third larger-sized plastic jewel on a Fit Flop.
If I ever stripped the shoe down and sold it for parts, I'd make more cash than my small- footed comrades.
3. I HAVE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
If I come face to face with a hideous spider or a nest of wasps that wish to attack me, I have a much stronger chance of survival as my substantial weapons will ensure that in a battle between them and me, I am sure to win.
I would make a fabulous contestant on 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here' with these weapons on my person. No Australian Death Adder Snake would stand a chance with these bad boys around to trample it to death.
Being a parent comes with a huge domestic and administrative workload and most of us wish we had an extra set of hands. Well, I do. Need to write a blog post, feed a toddler and write a letter to British Gas? Well thanks to my long lean toes, I can do all of this...all at once.
4. MY FEET ARE MAGIC.
My friends all tell me that I have skinny legs. They are wrong!! I actually have average-sized legs that appear to be much thinner due to the gigantic feet that are attached to them.
My giant feet are an optical illusion...they're magical!
Being a woman with large feet means that I can wear my husband's shoes. We are the exactly the same size in fact and this could come in handy when I am out for the night in a pair of excruciatingly high heels and I am hobbling around like a wounded deer wincing in pain from the 'burning balls' syndrome.
A quick twist of his arm and all of my pain could instantly vanish.
6. LESS COMPETITION
If you ever hit the sales, you'll find that the size 5-6 rack is always sparse and the humongous size 8-9 rack is rammed with discounted shoes. Why?...because it's common for ladies to have small feet therefore the competition for a bargain is more fierce.
Ladies with larger offerings are fewer and far between and so we don't have to compete nearly as much.
7. LEANER LIMBS
Julia Roberts states in 'Pretty Woman' that your feet are the same length as the distance between your elbow and the base of your hand. Therefore, the larger your feet, the longer and more svelte your forearms are. Here I am ready to take my glorious lean forearms out to the opera (cinema) for the evening.
So it seems that big is not just beautiful. Big is so much more! These big feet are practical! They could save me from a poisonous spider, successfully silence a snoring husband and help me keep my head when all around me others are losing theirs.
It's time to reveal these beauties to the general public.
If you see them pounding down the street towards you, don't be afraid- they're not going to hurt you. Just say hi...or you could even high 5 five them for being so awesome.
Chances are, they'll High 5 you back- just because they can!