Big BLACK Lies

As a human being, it goes without saying that in order to get along in life, you have to tell the occasional little white lie.  If someone asks `'Does my bum look big in this?'...... the answer should always be 'NO'! (Nice answer) even though your inner voice screams YES!!!!! ( The truth)

If you break up with someone, you should say 'I've decided I'd like to concentrate on my career. It's not you, it's me'. It's what one says aloud to be kind,but inside your inner voice screams, 'It IS you and NOT me. See ya later punk!!!'.

These 'little white lies' spare feelings and ensure that we are all able to get on well with our families, friends and the wider society. Little white lies make us nicer people, and that's how we all should try to be.

To be a parent, being a nice person is certainly required, but being IN CONTROL  is far more important. In order to have total control of your kids, you are going to have to tell them BIG BLACK LIES.

Here are the most common:

The Lie:. Brush your teeth or they will fall out.

The Truth: You can brush your teeth till the cows come home and the sad truth is that your teeth will fall out anyway. You'll get a brand new set when you're about 7 or 8. Even when you get your new set, it would take a skydive gone wrong  or a massive punch in the face by Jean Claude Van Damme to take the out your entire set of choppers. Sugar is admittedly bad but not brutal.

The Lie: EATING Carrots will help you see in the dark.

The Truth: If this was true, Specsaver's wouldn't even exist and the carrot industry would be as lucrative as the McDonald's franchise. Night vision goggles wouldn't exist and terrorism would be no more ( as we would be able to spot the enemy coming at any hour and eradicate them thus achieving world peace). This is sadly not the case. Carrots aren't special. They don't give us super human powers. They're just one of your five (or is it now 7) a day.

The Lie:If you eat your crusts, you will grow lots of hairs on your chest.

The truth: I have been stuffing crusts down my throat for the last 34 years and I am pleased to report that my chest is hair- free ( ok, I have one solitary hair that I pluck. He is called 'Rod') Aside from Rod, I have no curly black hairs on my chest. 

The Lie: Eating Spinach makes you strong.

The Truth: If you ate nothing but spinach, you wouldn't have the muscles of Popeye.  You'd more than likely have chronic diahorrea, a bony, protruding ribcage and NO friends as no one would want to hang out with someone who's abhorrent flatulence was so powerful that it could make the birds fall down dead from the sky. Spinach in moderation is good for you but eating massive amounts of it will lead to a life of misery and solitude.

The Lie: If you pull ugly faces, the wind will change and you'll be stuck with your ugly face forever.

The truth: If this was true then we would all look like Jackie Stallone. It's not the wind that makes people ugly, it's botched plastic surgery. Simples. 

The lie: If you play with your private parts too much, they'll fall off.

The truth: If this was true we would be extinct as we'd have no reproductive organs.  The pavements would be overflowing with discarded shrivelled genitalia and crowds of hugely frustrated people would be starting riots just to relieve themselves of their understandable pent-up aggression.

The Lie: Santa Only goes to boys and girls who are good all year around.

The truth: This is TOTAL bullshit. Firstly, Santa is only a jolly, pot-bellied pensioner who couldn't possibly travel around the world on a sleigh visiting millions of children in one evening. He would develop frostbite, severe jet lag, dehydration and possible pneumonia. His lawyers would have a field day and his insurance company would go bust. It's just not feasible.

The truth is that Santa is merely the 'face' of the toy distribution service. It's the elves that do all of the work.

Secondly, the paperwork involved in logging who has been good and who has been bad would be far too much to handle. The Wifi in the North Pole is substandard due to the adverse weather conditions and Santa also struggles to recruit the admin staff to be frank. No one wants to settle there. The bad weather, poor working conditions and pension package just aren't attractive to the modern workforce.

So, none of our behaviour is on file. Whether you're an angel or a little shit, you're probably safe and will get a present to open. FACT.

I have been a bad girl for sure, especially given that I have told BIG BLACK LIES to my kids repeatedly over the last few years. But I am confident that I will get a nice new pair of jammies, some perfume and a box set for Xmas this year.

I know this simply because Santa hasn't got a clue about my naughty behaviour...and chowing down on all the carrot sticks in the world will never enable him to see my into my darkness.