This is a blog about poo.
Admittedly, it's not the most pleasant of topics to cover but someone needs to talk about it.
And that someone, is me.
There are countless parenting blogs out there covering a wealth of standard topics like breastfeeding, which pram is the best to buy and how to manage toddler tantrums etc, but no one seems to have covered the subject of poo.
Poo, whether you like it or not, will become a major part of your life as removing it and disposing of it will be one of your vital roles as a parent.
Being a parent of two potty trained boys myself means that I have excelled at this task and I have in fact graduated with honours from the ass-wiping Academy. I have therefore published my findings here should anyone like some more information about the array of shit that's coming their way.
You will not find this information anywhere else on the internet and I believe you will find it to be an invaluable resource.
So, here is a list of the 'Top 7 Stools' that one will face when training to become an ass-wiping specialist:
THE MARMITE POO
The first poo that one will encounter in parenthood is what is medically referred to as 'meconium' ... but I call it a 'Marmite poo' simply due to it's sticky, tar-like consistency with it's dark, glossy-brown/green sheen.
The Marmite Poo is what one would expect to find exclusively in the nappy of a newborn infant.
Some may love Marmite, some may hate it....but with meconium, it's pretty much a dead cert that you will hate it.
Medical professionals will advise you to use cool boiled water and cotton wool to remove this Marmitesque gunk from your child's behind. After using a litre of cool boiled water and four maxi bags of cotton wool, you will soon cave and whip out a bumper pack of Johnson's baby wipes to tackle it.
As one would never send a soldier to war with a sword made of rubber, one really mustn't send a new parent to tackle a Marmite poo with a just a sack of cotton wool and an abundance of good intentions.
It's a battle that you will not win.
Get the wipes out or face the consequences.
The Runner is a stool that generally tends to arrive in the nappy of a breast-fed baby.....and up the back, down the thighs, the neck, in the hair and sometimes even down the forearms.
The Runner, by its very nature, is considered to be the most ambitious of stools because it refuses to set up camp in a super-absorbent, cotton wool prison with pictures of bunnies on it.
It will not be suppressed...it will rise- all the way to the top if given the opportunity to do so.
The Runner will almost always choose to spread it's wings and travel when your baby is dressed in a pure white baby grow whilst sat in a car miles away from any service station... or if he/she is in the middle of a heavily populated area- like a family wedding or a restaurant.
The term 'shart' was originally used by the late Philip Seymour Hoffman in the 2004 film 'Along Came Polly' and has since become a global term for describing a forceful fart that progresses to a fully blown shit instantaneously.
Shit +Fart = SHART
Genius. Thanks Phil.
The Shart is the most underestimated of stools because what initially presents as an innocent little fluff exuding from a child's bum is often discovered to be a much mightier (and runnier) offering.
According to statistics, a shart will almost always occur the moment a baby has been bathed and dressed in a fresh nappy ready for bed.
The Phantom is the most clever of stools. It is playful by nature and is regarded as being a bit of a rascal.
The Phantom almost always appears in the the middle of the night. A thick cloud of guff will hang heavily in the air above your baby's cot and as much as you don't want to, you will feel obligated to remove what you are certain is a gargantuan stool from your baby's nappy.
Lifting the child, you will perform what can only be considered a military operation to remove the stool without waking him.
Unpopping buttons on baby grows, drawing reels of wipes from their crackling packets and hunting down a clean nappy in pitch blackness all require great skill and the steadiest of hands.
Alas, you will finally open the nappy, ready to face your foe and find that the nappy..
You will learn pretty quickly that you have been fooled....by the Phantom.
You will spend the next hour trying to get your baby back to sleep and the next week trying to correct the fallout caused by this disruption to your child's sleeping routine.
The 'Teaser' is a cheeky little nugget of a stool. It appears in the form of a tiny, cute brown ball that can often be seen sitting happily on your carpet.
It looks like a Malteaser in fact and it's only when you get closer that you realise that it's not a delicious chocolate treat but a filthy ball of human waste that has somehow escaped from your toddler's training pants and rolled across the laminate flooring.
Sometimes, the Teaser may even masquerade as a ball of Play-Doh, but sadly you will only realise this after you have picked it up and squished it with your bare hands.
The Chameleon is the most clever and self- preserving of all stools as it is able to adapt it's colour to camouflage itself within the boundaries of your home.
You will be able to smell it, but you just won't be able to see it, and you will spend hours on all fours sniffing the brown carpet trying to locate and dispose of it.
Your child will not help but will just sit back and enjoy being wildly entertained as he watches you hunt down his Chameleon.
The Hollywood is a rare and special stool that will make it's mark on the world and stay in your memory forever.
I was fortunate enough to encounter this stool just a few days ago.
The Hollywood that I was greeted with was laid directly behind a closed door so that when I opened the door , it smeared in a large semi-circular line across the floor creating a glorious brown rainbow.
It sure was splendid.
I was shocked, dazzled and appalled by this stools unforgettable Oscar-worthy performance.
Indeed I will not forget it any time soon.
I hope my findings are helpful to those of you still in training. Good luck!
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