The diet starts Monday.

Monday's woman is fair of face and starts the week with a plan,

She decides that she wants to cut down on cake to be the best woman she can,

She loads up on seeds, skimmed milk and fruit with a 30g bowl of Bran Flakes,

And feels really great that she's doing so well...not a thought of crisps, pies or cakes.


Tuesday's woman is full of grace and starts the day feeling just fine,

With lemon in hot water and  a herbal tea - not a thought about downing some wine.

She says 'No' to the cake during morning break and ignores plates of custard creams,

She has an apple instead, for only in bed will she think of those creams in her dreams.


Wednesday's woman is full of woe and starts to feel the need to cheat,

Morale is low and her brain feels slow as she stares down at her congealed Bulgar wheat.

She is sick of dry crackers and reading ALL wrappers and cannot even look at a vegetable,

Cos they all taste the same, regardless of their name... they are bland and simply inedible.


Thursday's woman has far to go and doesn't care that her body is rounder,

She waits for her lunch hour and opts to devour a juicy fat quarter pounder,

She follows it up with a large box of fries and a naughty little chicken nugget,

No longer she cares, she doesn't despair and just thinks 'Screw it... damn it......"FUGGET!'


Fridays woman is loving and giving and knows she'll never be Kate Moss

She's happy with her lumps, has worked hard for her bumps and frankly could not give a toss.

There's far more to her than the eye can behold, she is a woman with a beautiful mind.

Who cares about bingo wings? There are more important things than the size of her blooming behind.


Saturday's woman works hard for a living and is worthy of a well deserved treat

She downs 4 bags of crisps, 2 Walnut Whips and a plate full of barbecued meat.

Buttered baguettes make her have no regrets, not even that whole bottle of wine,

Cos she feels better right now than she has done all week, indeed she feels simply divine.


Sundays woman is bonny and blithe and despite feeling good and gay,

Has guilt lurking behind at the back of her mind at all that she ate yesterday.

But Monday awaits and she'll return to Bran Flakes and remove all the guilt, shame and sorrow,

But not at this second for her roast dinner beckons....the diet will start TOMORROW.