Ode to the iPad

iPad, iPad, I love you so much,

You're so shiny and pretty and so very lush to touch,

You're my first thought in the morning when I drag myself from bed,

And my last thought in the evening...you'll be buried with me when I'm DEAD.

You've replaced my laptop, my kindle and my prehistoric telly,

I don't need them, I just need YOU and want to spend hours stroking your belly.


iPad, iPad, my husband loves you more than me, 

Since you came into our lives, the term 'We' means YOU and he,

He no longer listens...or looks at my face..and forgets that I am his wife,

He'd rather spend hours playing with YOU, you're the new love of his life.

You've replaced his sat nav, his CD player and the magazine that he bought every week,

He doesn't need them, he only needs YOU and just wants to tickle your cheek.


iPad, iPad, my kids adore you too,

Just yesterday they said they loved their Daddy less than YOU,

Every day they run to you and scoop you up in their tiny paws,

And fight over who gets to play with you, you have caused a number of wars.

When they're sad and need to be calmed and should be looking for their Mummy,

They don't want  me, they just want YOU and I am forced to let them stroke your tummy.


iPad,iPad, I realise that you're NOT that nice,

If i take you away from my 4 year old son, he turn into a poltergeist,

His head spins round.. he screams real loud...his snot flies onto your screen,

And he won't be calmed, NOT for a second, NOT until your screen is clean.


Angry birds and the Lego Game,

Despicable Me and the Alphabet Train,

Irritating music blasting out all day,

Tantrums and snot showers if I take you away.

Silent dinners spent gawping at your face,

You may as well join us to eat...Hell, I'll go ahead and set you a place.


Bring back the typewriter, bring back the letter,

Bring back the board games to play when the weather is wetter,

Give me back my lovely kids who used to play with each other,

Give me back their hearts you stole: RETURN THEM TO THEIR MOTHER!


iPad, iPad, as a parent you're making me fail,

Now, I've made my point......I really must go....

i need to check my email.