There is nothing more entertaining than watching a grown man change a child's nappy.
This is a wonderful thing for the human eye to behold, especially if it is a particularly intimidating and unpredictable nappy or if it is what we might call a 'CODE RED' situation
NB. The term 'Code Red' is a military term and it is defined as a 'hostile situation that requires immediate action'.
You may all remember the term being used widely in 'A Few Good Men' by the luscious Jack Nicholson. A truly cracking movie.
In our house, a 'Code Red' situation is used to describe a nappy that is so threatening and overwhelming that it requires the manpower of two persons to engage and attack it. One person acts as the First in Command: The General, who is there to instruct, offer motivational support and supply all of the materials to complete the mission. The other is the Lieutenant, who is there on the front line ready to do whatever it takes to defend our way of living, protect what is precious and ultimately save our home from being 'Korma-fied'.
I am always the General. And Jay, much to his objections is the Lieutenant.
There is a 'Code Red' going down right now, right here in front of my very eyes. I have gone AWOL and have revoked my duties and have left Lieutenant Jay to face the enemy alone.
I told him that I can't lead this mission today as there is a pending deadline on a simultaneous mission of equal significance: AKA: Mission Lasagne Deployment...
Just popped my head around the door to observe the battle scene and found Lieutenant Jay grasping both of Bob's legs in one hand whilst suspending his little body up in the air like a turkey that's getting stuffed at Christmas. His other hand is frantically pulling wipes out of the packet which are all stuck together in one giant fragrance-free SUPER REEL. He is shaking them agressively, trying to separate them, whilst sweating profusely and yelling out a string of X-Rated obscenities.
His head keeps recoiling back in disgust and tears are forming at the corners of his horror-filled eyes.
Bob is laughing of course.
Talcum powder sprays up into the air like a burst of radioactive fallout as Jay battles to smear Sudocrem wherever he can on the child's body, anywhere close to the point of detonation will suffice.
And it's over.
Enemy is double-bagged and left outside on the patio to be dealt with after the debrief.
Number of wipes used: 16
Ounces of Sudocrem: 3.5
Nappy Bags: 2
Total cost of Operation 'Code Red': 29 pence.