....after several minutes, his mouth would drop open and a hideous sound would explode into the atmosphere: an aggressive, guttural wail like an asthmatic rhino operating a power drill.Read More
DON'T look away, not even for a second, because a momentary glimpse of your Facebook feed may result in you having to catch that 27 lb ball of flesh and bones from hurtling towards the stoney ground.
And for those of us who were picked last in gym, our kids are particularly at risk. If you couldn't catch a rounders ball at age 9 then chances are you ain't gonna catch this brute of a ball now that you're older and slower.Read More
'Why do you not have a willy?' 'Why are you eating cake for breakfast?' 'Why does Daddy have no hair?' 'Why do you sit down when you wee?' 'Why is your belly like jelly?' 'Why does Grandad smell?'
Why? Why? WHY???????!!!!
It's only when spending a weekend in a cramped metal box with your family that one learns the importance of personal space...and the significance of having windows which open.
The percussive plops of your husband defecating will ricochet off the tin walls and you'll be reaching for the TV remote control to drown out the ghastly sound in a bid to salvage any romance that is left in your marriage.Read More
The perpetual oinking, the giggling, the incessant tinky tonk xylophone music and the patronising digs of Mummy Pig are enough to push most adults into the bacon section of the local Asda to buy up and pan fry the whole stock as revenge.Read More
Sometimes, on special occasions, they bring their entire collection of Ninja Turtle figurines into the bed, line them all up under the duvet and then walk them across our foreheads as we 'sleep'.Read More