A Blog About All The Different Types Of Ass.

It's been my lifelong dream to write a book. 

As a child, I originally wanted to be a nun after watching 'The Sound Of Music' but the novelty quickly wore off when I realised that I wouldn't be able to wear lipstick or kiss Phillip Schofield. Then I wanted to be a vet, but after watching James Herriot stick his full arm up a cow's rectum in a particularly traumatic episode of 'All Creatures Great and Small',  I soon changed my mind.

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Why Big Macs Make Me A Better Parent.

Why Big Macs Make Me A Better Parent.

It was my birthday this week. Sigh. 

This morning I glanced in the mirror and noticed yet another roll of skin had descended over the top of my Primark full briefs- the flimsy elastic had given up the fight and had surrendered and drowned under an avalanche of flab...a 'flabalanche' if you will. I also noticed that despite my son being three years old, I was still wearing my maternity leggings. Shameful I know.

 

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How To Get Wrinkles You'll Actually Want!

How To Get Wrinkles You'll Actually Want!

When you have small children, there are days where you just CANNOT face going to the park.

It is no surprise that these days often come after you have been up ALL night because one of them wet the bed and the other one randomly burst into song at 4am. You may have been dealing with choppers coming through, unstoppable projectile vomit, raging temperatures or night terrors.

Or maybe, and it's rare... but maybe, you've actually been for a night out on the town with your pals and have rolled in at 2am with a belly full of beer and a heart full of joy.

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Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner

Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner

My son came home from school this week and told us that he is being picked on by another kid in the playground.

A little punk by the name of Brian.

Naturally, we were very concerned. I immediately tried to sit my husband down to have a discussion about how to handle this somewhat delicate situation. But my husband didn't want to discuss it.  Instead, he disappeared into the spare room to 'think'.... and in his 'thinking room' he stayed for quite some time.

When he emerged, he had the following solutions to my son's problem:

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What If Adults Behaved Like Kids?....

What If Adults Behaved Like Kids?....

Last week, I had the rare treat of going out for a delicious fry-up at a local café. My husband and I were WITHOUT kids, so I was more excited than usual at the prospect of devouring a massive HOT plate of fried greasy meat and carbs, without having a 5 year old ruin it by announcing that he needs a poo the moment the food arrives at the table. 

I asked for the standard ' Ultimate Champion Breakfast', with toast on the side- and a cup of fine English tea. I was excited...I won't lie.

When the plate arrived,  I saw bacon (nice!) eggs ( Yes!!) and massive sausage (always impressive!!) and Baked Beans ON the toast-NOT on the side as I specifically asked for (GAG!). I have a very sensitive gag reflex as it happens and bean-drenched soggy bread really makes me what to chunder. It's unacceptable to me and I was disappointed. The meal was ruined. Ruined I tell you!!

I pondered how my 3 year old child would have reacted to the situation. If he had received this plate of food, he would have yelled 'YUCK!!!' before pushing the plate out of the way aggressively, perhaps even onto the floor, and demanding a new piece of dry toast. An overboard reaction, yes,  but I am certain that he would have received a positive outcome and a fresh piece of dried toast would have been served up to 'Keep the peace'.

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Operation: School RUN.

Operation: School RUN.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 7 AM AND 8 AM ON THE SECOND DAY OF THE SCHOOL TERM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

  • 7.AM      Kid 1 and Kid 2 are dragged from their beds.
  • 7.10 AM  Milk is warmed in the microwave for 28 seconds.
  • 7.12 AM  Milk is served. Kid 1 kicks up an almighty stink as his milk is served in an unacceptable receptacle. Receptacle is changed to the appropriate one with an 'Olaf' on the front of it. Crisis averted.
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Resolution Queen Of 2015

Resolution Queen Of 2015

The New Year is here which leads most of us to start making resolutions. We want to be better people. We want to be thinner, healthier, drink less, eat lentils, be nice, be organised....blah blah. Same old, same old.

I googled 'What are the most popular resolutions for 2015' and the standard list was revealed. I ran my eyes down the list however, and realised in an instant that I had already NAILED most of the common New Year's resolutions. There wasn't a single resolution on the list that I hadn't achieved in the last week of 2014. It's only the first of January and I am already the QUEEN OF 2015.

Here's how I nailed the most common resolutions of 2015:

1. LOSE WEIGHT

 

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