Barry Poppins

Barry Poppins

I abandoned my children for five straight days and nights last week.

I didn't fly off to Jamaica to lie on a sunbed sucking up Pina Coladas with a straw whilst poisoning my pure brain cells reading about the latest x-rated shenanigans of Christian Grey and his leather whip. 

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Why Big Macs Make Me A Better Parent.

Why Big Macs Make Me A Better Parent.

It was my birthday this week. Sigh. 

This morning I glanced in the mirror and noticed yet another roll of skin had descended over the top of my Primark full briefs- the flimsy elastic had given up the fight and had surrendered and drowned under an avalanche of flab...a 'flabalanche' if you will. I also noticed that despite my son being three years old, I was still wearing my maternity leggings. Shameful I know.

 

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Big BLACK Lies

Big BLACK Lies

As a human being, it goes without saying that in order to get along in life, you have to tell the occasional little white lie.  If someone asks `'Does my bum look big in this?'...... the answer should always be 'NO'! (Nice answer) even though your inner voice screams YES!!!!! ( The truth)

If you break up with someone, you should say 'I've decided I'd like to concentrate on my career. It's not you, it's me'. It's what one says aloud to be kind,but inside your inner voice screams, 'It IS you and NOT me. See ya later punk!!!'.

These 'little white lies' spare feelings and ensure that we are all able to get on well with our families, friends and the wider society. Little white lies make us nicer people, and that's how we all should try to be.

To be a parent, being a nice person is certainly required, but being IN CONTROL  is far more important. In order to have total control of your kids, you are going to have to tell them BIG BLACK LIES.

Here are the most common:

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To Change Or Not To Change?...That Is The Question.

To Change Or Not To Change?...That Is The Question.

Planet EARTH.

71% Water, 29% Land.

Home to over 8.7 million different species.

Home to over 35,000 McDonald's restaurants.

Home to over 7.125 billion human beings, ALL of which are totally unique as NO two humans are genetically identical.

Pretty awesome really.

I wouldn't call myself a scientist by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel that I have stumbled across an amazing discovery that may just blow your minds and put me up there next to Darwin and Einstein on the list of the world's greatest scientists.

My discovery?... 

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The diet starts Monday.

The diet starts Monday.

Monday's woman is fair of face and starts the week with a plan,

She decides that she wants to cut down on cake to be the best woman she can,

She loads up on seeds, skimmed milk and fruit with a 30g bowl of Bran Flakes,

And feels really great that she's doing so well...not a thought of crisps, pies or cakes.

 

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Big Mac ATTACK!

Big Mac ATTACK!

Last week I was put in the unfortunate position of having to run to catch a train.

It's not something that I do often and indeed I would ordinarily go out of my way to avoid any sort of physical exertion whenever possible.

But on this occasion I was running late and I was subsequently running fast and furiously towards a harsh realisation:

I need to go on a DIET. 

 

 

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