My kids are so addicted to their tablets that they shout at their own genitals when they need a wee....because having to go to the toilet and piss all over my floor takes time- valuable time that they would rather spend defeating Emperor Palpatine in Lego Star Wars on their iPads.Read More
Now, before I begin, I'd like to apologise to my parents who most definitely WILL read this post given that they are the number one fans of my blog.
But Mum, Dad, you have to understand that your grandkids weren't delivered here by storks gliding through the glorious Autumnal skies.
They are here because your little girl bumped uglies with your son-in-law.Read More
If you haven't got adequate travel insurance to cover having invasive surgery to remove your costume from your colon, or if you aren't comfortable with flashing your low hangers to a crowd of strangers, then make sure you pack a roll of gaffer tape in your case and secure all loose parts down before mounting the deathly slide.Read More
Santa then bragged about his contract renewal with Coca-Cola, the new line of Thorntons chocolate Santas that were hitting the shops and the fact that Asda, Tescos and Sainsburys were now devoting aisle 3 of their stores to sell his merchandise from as early as the end of October.
That fat, lazy old bastard!Read More
. "These Brussel sprouts are wonderful!!", an elderly relative will say.
Yes they are, but only because they have been smothered in garlic and have had 2lbs of fried crispy bacon thrown on top of them just to disguise the fact that they taste of human guff.Read More
He knows that he has to be good. He knows that if he forces down the broccoli, the mysterious pensioner may well squeeze down our non-existent chimney on Christmas eve and deliver him a Play Doh set and an alphabet puzzle (I know, weird kid but that's what he wants).
It all makes perfect sense doesn't it?Read More